Im in a very weird place with AA/NA in recovery. It seemed to really help me get through my first year and now that I have, I cant stand it. It all seems fake to me, and just sad and not really what kind of life I want (not sobriety just AA--- im very serious about staying sober). Has anyone else dealt with this?
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Yes, I’ve gone into meetings excited and left them wanting to drink because of exactly that. I don’t know the answer. Might try smart recovery again.
I know what you mean. For me personally I'd rather spend that time at the gym and out in nature. Sobriety isn't one size fits all. Try new things and see why works for you best.
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Have you done any sort of SUD (substance abuse disorder) counseling? I had a very strict religious upbringing, and because of that, AA just isn't for me. The SUD counseling has helped me immensely. The place I go to also has a couple different group classes you can go to, and I absolutely love them. I hope this helps, I'm sending hugs and good vibes your way, I'm so glad you reached out! 
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I have started therapy for trauma/EMDR, it definitely overlaps but it isn't strictly substance abuse counseling. It has been a very positive experience. I'm careful with my words regarding AA because I know it helps some people. It helped me. But it just seems so toxic now, I can't ignore it.
Keep at it, maybe try a different meeting. Principles over personalities.
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I think taking a break from meetings was the answer. What is going on in my area Is ridiculous. Ego and "AA All Stars" are rampant. Predatory old timers. It's a hook up club. It's disgusting. And it's sad. Never again. I almost got roped into all that because of people pleasing and wanting to fit in. "Oh so it's okay yo just treat AA like a singles mixer?" And I see new people come in, think its authentic (meaning that they think older members' intention is the program and sobriety and altruism, not ego based peacocking to get attention from women 15 years younger than them).
It's all fun and games until you start seeing multiple people committing suicide in sobriety.
Make AA non co-ed and see how many guys show up, how much of that enthusiasm is authentic and not just for show. Can't stand it. Won't be around it. Some of the most toxic groupthink I've ever experienced.
Yeah me too been there. I took it as God's sign I didn't need it anymore. They are good for getting sober but after a year of being good the meeting start to feel like everyone complaining about their lives wo drugs.
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There’s some good online meetings on zoom and there are men’s meetings only on there as well. I can give you the codes to join them, if you want. That is sad that is happening in your area. I commend you for seeking sobriety and being committed to doing whatever it takes to be so. Maybe that newcomer needs you there at those meetings tho so that there is actually someone there that is genuine and real.
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Consider looking inside for a solution to how you feel inside, not outside in a change of venue. 12&12 p. 90 "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.". Tough to swallow I know, but if it was the hope and support of the rooms that helped you get sober, perhaps the issue is that you're too focused on "what you're getting" and not "what you're giving". Once we are sober, we often go to a meeting for the new person, not for ourselves.
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I whole heartedly disagree with this. It is okay to hold people accountable. It is okay to tell people to screw off when they are manipulating for selfish ends not in line with the principles outlined in the steps. It is okay to remove myself from people who are sick and manipulative. Otherwise I'm invariably working someone else’s program.
I don't like constantly focusing on my shortcomings and defects, as an agnostic. It makes me neurotic and high strung and unpleasant to be around. The daily inventory helped me tremendously, but after about of year I hit a plateau and started just obsessing over small insignificant very human behaviors.
It is totally at odds with other tools for balance and health (like self compassion, being gentle with self etc). I become focused on relapse and fear of relapse and fear of leaving AA bc I am being conditioned to rely on either a higher power that is very ambiguous at best, or the experience of others that I trust without really getting the full picture of what I'm signing up for for the next 10 years.
Another thing, the majority of these relationships are hinged on the condition that I'm enthusiastically programming as hard as I can. I don't even mean abstinence, I mean outwardly doing things that everyone sees to show how good of an AA I am. That I'm in it. That I'm making an effort.
The reality is, I have more authentic connection in relationships outside of the program (and those conditions) than in it. Like......why? That is so weird. This is so, I suspect, because there is a symbiosis in complicity. If I'm adhering, it makes it "normal" for you to as well and vice versa. Which is all fine and good, but then you start throwing in 13th stepping and seeing patterns--- that every girlfriend an individual has had for the last 8 years has been from AA, that even Bill himself was a notorious 13th stepper--- and it makes sense why a man (or woman) would keep coming back. But the newcomer doesn't see that. The newcomer just wants to figure out how to stay sober.
In my case, once I did get sober and start noticing things about people that go to 5 meetings a week, I felt disillusioned and conned. That isn't a message I want to carry to anyone. I don't want anyone else to have the same experience I have had.
I do not want AA to be my entire life. I do not want to be addicted to meetings or feel guilty for taking time for myself. I do not want my wedding to be my wife, our families, and 100 people from my AA group.
And I am so tired of hearing men inauthentically humble brag in shares and the whole Captain AA thing-- have 10 sponsees, quoting Joe and Charlie tapes, Oxford group historians....this 'persona' that AA creates. I know because I chose not to indulge in it. Because those are the very characteristics I am trying to eliminate--- manipulating people, feeling superior, operating from a place of ego. We say we aren't God, then claim to have a divine connection that other people don't have access to, that we didn't have access to previously. We say that we are God conscious. How is that different than claiming to be God?
I don't know where this leaves me. I don't know if I'll go back. I still have the principles in my life, but many of those existed before AA. I picked up some tools.
I think the kicker was seeing a guy that was doing all that stuff outwardly, running a sober living home, working at a rehab, kill himself (either by relapse or suicide). It was really an eye opening moment. Here is reality slapping me in the face. Many people are faking it until they make it, but never quite make it.
This might not be the path for me. That is okay. I don't want to ruin it for anyone else, but I don't want anyone else to have the experience I've had either. It has been an awful experience tbh. You don't have to sell the truth to anyone. If you do, it might not be the truth.
I think it would be worth trying different meetings. You will find your people.
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