I’ll do good for a few days, then I fall back into drinking. I’m tired of this cycle. I know alcohol is ruining parts of my life, and the truth is—I’m not ready to die. I want to live. I have goals, purpose, and success ahead of me, and I don’t want to lose that.
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I was the same way until I got treatment. I couldn't stop without help. I highly recommend a treatment facility, yes it's a tough 30 days but that's nothing compared to the rest of your life.
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If your mind is made up ,go to your higher power and believe what you pray for it shall come to pass 
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I struggled this way for 20 years until recently. I found this group and I committed myself to God full in. I check in here everyday to be encouraged by others here and to help others here. I also read from my bible (New Living Translation is easy to understand. So far I am on day 64 of sobriety and THIS time I know it is for real. I have a strength to stay sober and be right with God unlike I have ever before during my struggle. I hope sharing my present story helps you overcome in your time of need.
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There is a medication that will help.
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I was the same way, I had to be in a secure environment for months with no alcohol whatsoever around me. I need to feel sobriety before I could choose the recovery life.
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Then time to get help in AA, see a professional or
Two. Do everything including the gym as thst is a good way to help anxiety and teach breathing. Make friends and find a temp sponsor. Keep coming back andbin spite of your self life will get better. Odaat
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Its always that first drink. I know I can't open that door.