I’ll do good for a few days, then I fall back into drinking. I’m tired of this cycle. I know alcohol is ruining parts of my life, and the truth is—I’m not ready to die. I want to live. I have goals, purpose, and success ahead of me, and I don’t want to lose that.
I was the same way until I got treatment. I couldn't stop without help. I highly recommend a treatment facility, yes it's a tough 30 days but that's nothing compared to the rest of your life.
If your mind is made up ,go to your higher power and believe what you pray for it shall come to pass 
I struggled this way for 20 years until recently. I found this group and I committed myself to God full in. I check in here everyday to be encouraged by others here and to help others here. I also read from my bible (New Living Translation is easy to understand. So far I am on day 64 of sobriety and THIS time I know it is for real. I have a strength to stay sober and be right with God unlike I have ever before during my struggle. I hope sharing my present story helps you overcome in your time of need.
There is a medication that will help.
I was the same way, I had to be in a secure environment for months with no alcohol whatsoever around me. I need to feel sobriety before I could choose the recovery life.
Then time to get help in AA, see a professional or
Two. Do everything including the gym as thst is a good way to help anxiety and teach breathing. Make friends and find a temp sponsor. Keep coming back andbin spite of your self life will get better. Odaat
Its always that first drink. I know I can't open that door.