I'm struggling with all of the fallout of my last relapse and the weight of it all is just so heavy. I feel lost and like there are no positives to look forward to. I'm thankfully not tempted to drink at the moment but the endless sadness and shame are crushing in on me.
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Hi. The struggles are real. I get it. Do you have a therapist? That would be my first step. If yes reach out. If you can have and afford an extra session do that. Also listen to MJs talk here in the audio with this guy- JF Benoit about the monkey mind. Attend a meeting. You are not alone. You can do this. 
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I currently have a therapist and I attend a minimum of three meetings a week. I'll check out that session on here though. Thanks for the pointer
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You ain’t the first person in the history of the world to do x, y, and z, so why feel shame? It’s your first time trying something as a person at your age in your situation - you ain’t gonna be a master right off the bat. For myself, I always feel strengthened on my worst choices that writing a penpal in prison for the purpose of marriage was never one of those choices. To quote Sing [Matthew McConaughey], “The great thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s only one place left to go…up!”
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