I am so tired of fighting the drinking problem. I know at times i do well, but other times i cave. I know that drinking will kill me, but i cant help it. But the battle is wearing me down. I know this isnt good and that affects me in ways that are closer to cirrhosis and that is terrifying.
Sorry people just ranting with a beer in my hand. Yeah, im a great person. Not looking for sympathy, just acknowledging a truth is all.
We have all been there. You are already admitting that you have a problem so the next step is brainstorming solutions. It’s a lot of work but all worth it. You need tools. You also need to make sobriety more important than everything else in the world. That includes all people, places and things. Most of us that struggle with drinking and substance never had an identity so we would just drink or drug to almost take that edge off and then we didn’t care who we were after that. In the beginning of my sobriety I was in complete shock when people would ask me what I liked to do and I couldn’t even answer that simple question. I only knew what I liked to do drunk. Golf, camp, kayak, hike, hang with friends… literally everything revolved around drinking, EVERYTHING. Once I removed myself and started working on myself and figuring out what I liked and didn’t like I started creating this person I never knew I was. I don’t like everything I liked when I drank but the things I do I have a whole knew love for them and respect. Make a “bucket list” start checking things off you will be so busy doing that you won’t focus on the drinking part nearly as much. Do a lot of it alone so that you don’t have distractions and you can listen to yourself and your body! Not sure if this helps but I figured I would share my journey. Merry Christmas. Always here if you need to chat!
Thank you Mae.
For 40 years I was quitting and starting again. I had no health issues and never had job issues. I did have Legal and family issues though. Turning 60 was a turning point..my body was not tolerating alcohol but more importantly I felt I was running out of time to quit. People start dying in their 50s and it was so hard for me to stop drinking even though I drank a small amount compared to others. There was always an excuse to buy that beer at the end of the day. In April of this year, I joined the no matter what club. Staying sober is easier for me than quitting...life is better without booze and weed for me. Not perfect or even easier but better. I hope you are able to experience a life without alcohol as well. Good luck!
Michael that’s exactly how I got. It was so bad I prayed for God to take me. I was drinking in complete secrecy, my family thought I was sober, that was awful. Finally, my husband found the empty bottles in the garage, I never threw my empties in my own garbage, and called the hospital immediately to see if there was a room in detox and took me to the ER. I really believe I did that just so I could have them found and get help. I firmly believe that by what you say you need to go to the ER get medically detoxed then they can put you on a craving medication. I was on campral for 2 years it saved me. You need professional help. Please it is very dangerous to try to stop on your own. I pray you sincerely want this and you can definitely do it BUT not alone. Join AA meetings the more sober connections you have the better take numbers. I hate hearing how people are suffering. Best wishes. Please again get help now. 
You need to get to the hospital please.
Michael, it sounds like you’re about to surrender to the winning side. It’s time bro.
I’m here if you want to talk.