But its the only thing that keeps me going...
Change the way you think about alcohol or your DOC. Realize that it's not doing you any favors. Whatever pleasure you get from it is fleeting and ends up causing more pain than anything good. I always recommend these books, but they really helped me: this naked mind- annie grace and kick the drink, Jason Vale. Grace has a youtube channel that's very helpful also. Also, try meetings. There's more options than AA, if that's not for you. Keep trying and learning. You CAN do this. I struggle as well and am back at 2 days, but I am making significant progress overall (more months sober this year than not) and I know I'll come around eventually. I trust that.
The word “but” meaning: everything said before it is false. Get rid of those “buts”.
What programs have you tried? Have you been to rehab? I know for many, we tried to do it on our own to no avail. I still remember the day I fully realized I had a problem with alcohol. The fear, the anxiety… walking into my first AA meeting and saying those words made it real. I am an alcoholic. It was weeks before I fully had the gravity of that. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired… you will get there.
Then stop relapsing!