I'm working on my 8th step. My sponsor said I have to put myself at the top of the list and I really struggle with forgiving myself. I was writing letters to my 3 step sons I tried to help raise with my ex and I felt so sad. So much regret. 10 years of trying to love them and failing miserably. I know I did the best I could with what I had, but it's still painful to look back at it. That's where I am today. The struggle is real one day at a time.
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To quote the great Yoda, “Real The Struggle Is.”
I’m up NorCal way, Hi.
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Goodness, my friend 
I relate to this pain and this difficulty forgiving myself. H3ll, I don't even think that I should be forgiven for the pain that my sons experienced growing up.
It's a long drawn out story, but it's the same, in essence.
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Service helped me forgive myself. Tons of service, amends and living amends. It takes some time but it works, for sure.
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