I’ve been fortunate to go through detox > RHP > now IOP so I haven’t been alone much & have felt strong in my recovery. However, after the holidays & my routine being disrupted I found myself increasingly isolated. The urges came back & with a vengeance. Physical separation from alcohol still didn’t seem like enough. I began debating using substances that were not my DOC & I hadn’t touched in a decade. I was plotting how much I could drink to still test clean after. I wondered how I would lie to my fellowship. After fighting with myself & knowing I could not drink my mind told me I would be better off not living. The pain was so unbearable that even if I knew it would pass, the way it felt RIGHT THEN was simply not worth it. I scolded myself for not calling my support but also convinced myself that no one wanted to hear me “complain”. I drove for 2 hours waiting for the urge to pass before I pulled over to turn around, magically ending up in a liquor store parking lot. I managed to get ahold of a friend who finally convinced me to come sit with them. That got me through the night. Barely. I woke up grateful I had not drank but still deeply unhappy. I spent new years with my 2 best friends, I had a wonderful time. Still I felt uneasy. Finally on Monday I reluctantly spoke on a panel after being sure I had nothing worthwhile to say. That panel was the absolute key in uplifting my mood and re-establishing my commitment to sobriety. I am so fortunate to have scraped by those initial days by the sheer notion that I had accountability somewhere, but being of service was the game changer. I can’t do recovery alone & this was my reminder to stay connected at all costs.
I see you are holding up the red keychain. I was always told that meant stop and think and play it through. You did a great job!
Thank you sharing Jasmine. That sounds like some awful anxiety to get through! I am also bad about reaching out and thinking I can do everything alone. Your story is a reminder for me to continue trying to be more vulnerable about whatever I’m going through. Great job getting through that and Thanks again
Thank you For sharing…
I think it's unity and service are important before you face urges. You'll already have a support system built in.
I'd rather have a tire iron in the car when I get a flat instead of calling someone to bring me one..
I agree! Ideally strong service will reduce or eliminate urges. This was just a huge reminder that it’s far easier to deal with the initial discomfort of service than the miserable discomfort of fighting urges alone!
Totally get it. Hang in there!
Staying connected is the key, this battle isn't won alone. Suffering in silence is not allowed.
Great job Jazmine!!!!
🫶:partying_face:
!!!! Not sure which meetings here in our area you like attending, but Costa Mesa Alano club and Fountain Valley Alano club have really good meetings and members to add to your support. Not sure if you’re a church goer or not, but Beachcities community church on Hamilton is a great place as well.
Feel free to reach out to me anytime as well, I’m just a call away and possibly even just a hop, skip, and a jump away to.
Again, great job focusing on your sobriety rather and not the drink!
No matter what we do there will come a time when we are left utterly defenseless. When our faith and commitment are given the ultimate test. These are the days that can define us. Thank you so much for your story Jazmine! For reminding me that I know where that road goes. And why my fellowship matters every single day!!!
Catch the rainbow and fight the good fight!! Sobriety is such an amazing gift!! It only gets better!!!!
Thank you, Richard! My home group is at HOW Hall but I also love CMAC! Haven’t tried FV yet
That’s a win right there, thanks for sharing, you didn’t take action, thoughts come but they shall pass, keep working & god bless you. One thing that helps me is setting my spiritual condition for that day by asking for help to keep me sober for today, and given thanks at night. Stay blessed!
Thank you! I truly believe that in those desperate moments it all came down to trusting in my higher power to carry me. I hadn’t been doing my daily prayers for the days leading up to this, lesson learned!