I don't know what I'm going to do. Even on antidepressants, I'm still absolutely miserable. It's been 7 1/2 months. The shame, guilt, and gut rentching self hatred that will come from relapsing for the first time since I became sober will haunt me. But I also crave the chaos. My life isn't going anywhere. The last time anything changed for the better is when I stopped drinking. Maybe I need to start so I can stop again? Ridiculous, self-deceptive rationalization, I know. But this intolerable feeling won't go away. It's been weeks. Just a taste. Can anyone logically explain why I shouldn't in a way I couldn't already do myself?
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Thank you
Hey man, I totally related to this
I have 8 1/2 years now but my sobriety experience was really similar to what you said. I couldn’t understand how everyone else in treatment was feeling good and enjoying being sober. I felt like I was only prolonging the inevitable relapse. The one thing I did right was not picking up, and eventually things evened out so those moments are infrequent now but they do crop up sometimes.
Hit me up brotha 323-5OO-three seven 6 five
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The one thing I know that my life right now is way better than my best days when I was active addiction .But you have to come to an understanding that life ain’t easy and it will throw u curve ballAre you working with a sponsor?
Call sponsor, do step work, express gratitude, help others, feel better immediately.
I’ve been really struggling too, Rowan. I get you. We all do and we’re here for you. It’s feels awful at first, but you’ll see your life start to gradually get better. Keep coming back!! Btw, if quit before then started back up and that is definitely not the answer as it gets harder to quit each time we go back to the poison. Your here so you’re doing something right! Breathe and just be. 
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Don’t start because you just may not make it back in. Sobriety isn’t easy but so worth it. Please get out to meetings and build yourself a sober group of friends. They are there believe me. Best wishes. Keep posting here too. 
You will worse off. You don’t have to suffer. Try hitting a meeting and working on some self-care
One baby step at a time works best for me. If you know how you want your life to be then planning an approach and taking small steps will help. If not, then figuring out how you want your life to be is a good place to start.