Internal chaos

Recovery
#1

Whether my life is calm on the outside or not, inside of me there is still turmoil and chaos happening.

It is a lot of mental anguish, searching for answers, begging gods for help,

Begging people i used to know for help but inside of my own head because most, if not all of those people are no longer in my life, asking dead people and spirits for guidance, praying and meditating sometimes an upwards to 4 times a day...it's getting me no where. I end up exhausted and angry at myself because my frustration 9 times out of 10 turns to wrath and confused / misdirected blame, then I feel ashamed and guilty for it.

It's not ourwardly towards anyone, but I still experience feelings of remorse afterwards.

I also strive to make progress outwardly, but the reason i've reached a standstill in my action is because i'm hitting the same road blocks again.

I extinguish my guilt, shame, and frustration with myself by reminding myself that this is all I know - taking action to better my life and / or having faith and praying when I need extra help and guidance. But this is no longer working for me.

If there are other solutions, I haven't found them nor have they been revealed / given to me yet. Some days it's like i'm waiting for a miracle to drop out of the sky and that goes against my nature as a doer.

Other peoples lives moving forward that I see on social media reminds me that what is happening in my life is very personal to me and that makes me feel alone in this sometimes, but it also keeps me grounded other times because I have to remember that life is still happening all around me even if I feel like I'm the only person "in the room" right now.

It is especially true when I see people with children. It is easier to gauge that time isn't standing still, which makes me feel impatient with my own life and frustrated because I only know what I know about how to rebuild a better life for myself.

If it was only ONE traumatic event that happened - the loss of my romantic relationship for example, it would have been easier to digest and keep on in life in the good direction I was going. But it was multiple HUGELY IMPORTANT needs that I lost all within months apart from each other.

My action nor my faith prevented this from happening and that is the reason I am extremely lost right now.

1080Ă—1920 31.9 KB

2 Likes
#3

You say you are continuing to “work” your program of recovery, so I’m hoping you are just struggling thru a temporary struggle in your recovery journey. I gather from your posts your an intelligent being, and a major over thinker. I was taught that my thinking is/was broken, and no amount of my thinking was going to fix me. I think I saw you were an AA person, so I recommend you go back to page 417. I’m sure you’ve read it numerous times. It’s easy to get bored and complacent with it all. However, the solution is in the 12 steps. I lost my connection after being sober for some years. I was “dry” for a very long time. I knew I was supposed to be grateful. I knew the serenity prayer, I knew I wasn’t god. However, I lost faith. I didn’t trust the process anymore. I wasn’t happy with my life (irritable, restless, and discontent). Looking back, I thought I knew what was best, and was completely frustrated and overwhelmed because the truth was I was powerless over it all. I judged myself, and was my worst critic. I’m sorry, but I see myself in your words. I don’t want you to have to thru a horrific relapse like I did. Hopefully, you will be like a few old timers I know who go thru periods of pain, but stick with the program and get thru it. I couldn’t get out of looking at things thru my own eyes (self centered and selfishness). I couldn’t find a new pair of glasses, bc I threw them out years before. Good sign you’re hear and searching. Keep at it. Talk to your sponsor. Go to some good meetings. Help another suffering alcoholic. It may safe your life. You may even be happy once again :pray:. It’s a program of action… Lers go

1 Like
#4

What you have said was so deep yet for some reason I felt everything you are feeling.Im stepping out of a relationship right now also and maybe that's why I can resonate with you. I feel as though I'm losing so much more than just my partner as well. I'm glad I'm not alone on this one
I hope that you keep on the right path of recover and I will do my best as well. Thank you for sharing your definitely not alone. I've been praying for the strength I need to keep going as well and doing everything I'm told and nothing seems to be making me feel any better.I just know that what I feel like now is only a fraction of how bad I felt when I was at my bottom low.Lets have faith together that something will shift and I will pray for you in my nightly prayers also.Hang in there

1 Like