Don’t judge me , unless you’re walking in my shoes or walking next to me. You have no idea…
Listen to thunder and rain for two days, not knowing if a tree branch is going to fall on your tent and crush you while you’re sleeping (because last year someone died at the campground from a tree branch landing on them!) Your bedding is damp from the rain and cold. You walk to go to the bathroom because it finally stops raining , only to walk out to have it pouring and no umbrella. While you’re walking back, you notice two huge tree branches that have already fallen. The tarps you thought would help with the mud just created puddles of water and now you’re removing them, only to get covered in mud. Now you’re laying in your damp cold bed, covered In mud and wet , listening to the thunder and rain poor , praying the rain will just stop. Your air bed is hard as a rock and the tent is starting to leak. You put on your music to block out the thunder, but your phone dies. No electricity , you can’t charge it. Now the rain finally stops, but all you can think about is how much you miss your kids and your thoughts get louder and louder and you pray that the thunder will just start up again, to drown out your thoughts.
You can’t find housing , because your landlord was a snake and ……. you over. And the last thing she said to you was “I’ll sleep better knowing you will have no where to sleep”. All you want is to prove her wrong and yet here you are.
You make dinner and it actually turns out good, but only because your boyfriend got mad at you and wouldn’t help. So your son that you haven’t visited with in months is finally coming to see you and making him steak is the only way you can begin to show him you care, you love him, you’re glad he came out to see you . So you suddenly are able to move a picnic bench on your own. In your head, this doesn’t make you strong, makes you weak because you realize that you missed the last year of your son being a kid. And he probably hates you for that. What a great mom.
Everyone leaves, you wash dishes in a sink in the bathroom, with cold water. Walk back to the tent and sit silently looking into the camp fire, wondering if this is your new life. Now you start fighting with your boyfriend because you have to blame someone, right? Wrong 
you’re here because you loved too much, cared too much, trusted too much. But you’re full of anger and hate now and mad at the entire world, that has made you now bitter and cold and even mean. You don’t even recognize yourself anymore. Given up hope, given up on yourself.
If this isn’t a nightmare, I don’t know what is because honestly the only thing worse would be not having my kids. Yet maybe they would just be better off without me because this isn’t life, this isn’t living… it’s surviving. Maybe this is what I deserve, maybe I’ll never add up to anything and this is my life.
This::::::::If you’re sleeping in a bed tonight and have a roof over your head, appreciate that. And if you have your kids with you, appreciate it and love them. If they hug you and say I love you back, appreciate that (because mine doesn’t) and hug them and don’t let go for a long time.
All I can do is try and make it bearable and even that isn’t working. This Isn’t bearable, this is a living nightmare. No electricity, no hot water. No one to talk to about all that’s going on in my head. Don’t tell me it’s going to start getting cold, don’t tell me I need to find housing, don’t tell me anything unless you’re walking in my shoes.
So if you’re wondering why I’m sitting silent, or not returning calls.. maybe I’m just tired. Tired of everything.
❤🩹