It’s 6am in Southern California and I’ve been awake since 330am. I am feeling so many emotions right now. Fear, hurt, and sadness. This is the first Christmas after a not even finalized divorce. To the side of my bed are a stack of divorce papers taunting me. To the left of me is this tiny human being whom I swear is trying to crawl back inside my womb and in another room is another not as tiny human being who has developed a strong sense of independence. Both of these humans depend on me. I am trying so very hard to be strong through all of this but no one prepared me for what this would be like. Doing all these little things on my own and trying not to have a complete mental break down has truly tested me. To be honest, I’m not so sure I’m succeeding or failing at this. I haven’t picked up a drink but that doesn’t mean my thinking isn’t already drunk. I would love to fast forward through this period so I can get to a better state of existence. Not just for me but for the human beings that deserve the best of me. Right now I just feel depleted.
Hop on a zoom meeting, more local if you can. I'm overwhelmed with stuff right now as well and even if I spend the day crying today, I'm choosing not to drink 
Dam. Struggles in life never cease. Really hope you get through this. Those little people are depending on their mommy to guide them in their life. You’re a strong willed lady and have no doubt you’ll make it through this period of struggles. Do your best to keep reaching out and letting others know what’s going on. Try and get plugged into something sobriety oriented to help you along. Meetings? Fellowshipping? You’d be surprised how many other strong ladies out there going through or have gone through what you are experiencing. Keep plugging away. A rainbow with a pot of happy is waiting for you. Just gotta keep positive and know it’s not forever. Praying? Get some help from a power greater than you to have your back in these trying times. Takes a load off. Hang tough
Desiree, sending you such a huge hug right now. This is some hard sht. And staying sober through hard sht is hard, but you are doing it. Let go of the perfectionist mind, accept that sometimes it’s just a moment at a time. You are a strong independent sober woman, and you can do this. Remember, together, we can do hard things. 
My kids were 1 and 3 when I got divorced. They’ve been with me through thick and thin. Good and bad. I’d give anything to be able to take back the trauma caused by alcoholic parents. But I can’t.
So all I can do is beg you. Plead with you. Implore you. Do not pass trauma on to those beautiful kids if you can possibly avoid it. They won’t remember not getting this years version of the cabbage patch kid or hatchimal. But they will remember you passed out on Christmas Eve and sick in the bathroom Christmas morning.
Desiree you are bad a$$. You’ve got lucidity. You’ve got tools. You know, KNOW, that a drink leads to 20 and when you drag a$$ back into the rooms in a few months or a few years, alcohol will have fixed absolutely nothing. It’s the biggest liar. The thing that causes all the problems convincing you that it will solve them this time. That everything is different. It isn’t. And it never will be.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Be strong as always
Your doing great
The support is much appreciated!! This has been exceptionally difficult but having these reminders helps immensely. Thank you!