It’s all just hard

Recovery
#1

Being an addict is hard, when you’re addicted to anything from marijuana to fentanyl.

Not knowing where to start is hard.
Waking up everyday to find my new fix is hard.

I’ve lost myself along the way, and I’m shy and boring without substances. I don’t even know who I am.

I don’t even get High anymore, it’s just my medicine at this point so I’m not sick.

50-100$ a day just so I’m not sick. This vicious cycle feels like it’s completely out of my hands.

I want to be me again, I want to thrive again. But the monster inside of me wont allow it.

#2

You're not shy and boring, you are yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. You gotta realize that your past self is a figment of your imagination. That's just a reason and excuse that you used. The reality is probably much different. Talk to a normal friend that's not a substance abuser and ask them how they thought you were high. I doubt they think you needed drugs and alcohol.

It sounds like you're holding on to a lot of the past. When I did the 12 steps I took a morale inventory and that helped me with my incorrect thinking about drugs and alcohol use and why I used. Hang in there.!