It’s scary to look back on your life during active addiction once you’re more removed from it. I felt like a zombie with an itch for so long. Now I have time and energy to do things that I haven’t done in years. (And having a different perspective shows me that I also really need to do the twelve steps.) I don’t miss the times before, yet I do still get nostalgic about the past.
I’m just enjoying looking into myself more, especially now that I’m able to think with such greater clarity.
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I was thinking the same thing. How I was called a shell of a human being 9 months ago. There’s a book called a gentle path through the twelve steps, and if you’re not really religious the 12-step Buddhist is also a good book that I used to obtain 4 solid years of sobriety. You can find them both on Amazon
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It gets even better, especially once you work the steps and push your $hit out into the open. I mean that figuratively of course. lol Once you get a full understanding of the person you are dealing with (yourself), it gets better. It just gets better. You know the truth and can deal with the stupid little lies your addicted self tried to tell you. That being said, the nostalgia part is one of those lies. My addicted self (I call him Stan) tries to get me to forget how terrible it was. “Oh it wasn’t that bad” “you got one more fun party time in you”. I have caught myself romanticizing slipping out of bed and walking a mile away to get beer before midnight. W T F?!? I need to remember the weeks in bed, too drunk but not drunk enough to sleep; the painful withdrawals; nights in the hospital, psych ward, and jail; the misery and worry I caused others…
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Has taken me a while to realize how much of a lie that nostalgia really is. It’s like a foggy memory until you focus on and really see what a hot mess those drunken events were.
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I like the "zombie with an itch thing." You should be a writer.
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It’s insanity. lol Gremlin living inside. 
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It’s a bit surreal isn’t it? I can relate to feeling like a zombie! As for remembering the past, we must be careful that we see the whole picture, and not just the good old days. We are not here today because we were having good times. There’s a part of us that longs for that relief and carelessness that alcohol once gave us. They say we have an obsession to one day drink again like “normal” people. It’s important we work a daily program to keep from these harmful thoughts away. Don’t let that nostalgia trick you. Don’t let selective memory creep into your head. It’s good that you are honest and recognize it. Now tell it to go the F away, cuz you know it’s a lie. You know once you start you’re doomed. Thanks for sharing Kate! Keep sharing what’s in your head. Expose the lies and trick that your mind is telling you. You got this!
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We don’t regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it!
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Thank you for this!! It makes me feel less bananas. And I definitely need to keep an eye on not romanticizing the past
Thanks!! I do write a lot actually, but it’s been a while 
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