I had a mini vacation in Washington and it was nice. I wanted to be a tourist and drink beer while gawking at the monuments but I stayed faithful to my goal. Since my last post I’m still trying to get my sh*t together. Met with a financial advisor who told me to contact my student loan provider to see if I can set up a plan to chip away at my student loan debt.
I had an old “friend” contact me recently and it rattled me. We haven’t talked in years. The last time we talked we got into an argument but I can’t remember what it was about since we were drunk…like we always were. Over the years I managed to curve my drinking until lately when I decided it’s something I needed to cut from my life completely. He asked me if I drank and I told him no. He seemed disappointed. We caught up for a bit and told me about his life, seemed like he’s still doing the same things. I felt bad for him. I was pretty discreet about my life. Guarding it so he couldn’t attack it with his sarcasm and judgment. Previously when I didn’t want to drink or party he always called me “boring” and I’ve grown accustomed to this “boring” lifestyle. I cherish it even if some days feel lonely.
On my mini vacation I had a lot of time to think about the people I have in my life currently. Some of my coworkers are younger than me, and their idea of a good time is going to a bar and meeting random people.
The sober version of myself is far too shy to meet other people. When I watch their snapchats some of me misses those years of my life. They remind me so much of who I use to be. Drinking and not caring about the consequences, looking for validation and worth from men at the bars. My old normal. Earlier this month I wanted to fit in with them so badly. I don’t want to be the “boring” old 30 something year old.
But this vacation gave me some clarity. I am not happy when I drink. I’m not happy seeking validation from people who don’t even care about me. I have great qualities outside of my physical self. I have goals and dreams and drinking would sabotage those.
To ease some of the stress I’ve felt lately I started working on a new drawing. Here’s what I have so far…
