Nearing 2 months sober and my brain is twisting, turning, flip-flopping, hopscotching and doing the dosie do-si-do all over the place. I'm finding it very hard to find any peace throughout the day unless I'm at a meeting. That seems to be the only place I can get out of my own head. Even then I'm not sure if I'm comparing or relating. I can find gratitude for the things that are truly good at night when the $hit show of a day is finally over but I'm struggling to see that gratitude throughout the day in current time. I'm moody, impulsive and wildly impatient and my alcoholic brain wants everything to be fixed now, now, now!! I know that's not a possibility but I continue to let my insecurities eat me alive day in and day out.
Is everything better...of course it is. Thank God, today I don't need to toss my petty problems into an empty bottle to battle my own self. Staying sober is helping me realize what a piece of $hit I really was. I'm going to the gym and stepping outside of my boundaries to try and think more positive but at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm just bull$hitting myself. I feel like the entire world is crashing down on me when in reality, I am very fortunate. Am I feeling this way because I'm now realizing that I actually am the selfish butthole I've been labeled as? When things do get better, will I be this passionate to hold onto my accomplishments or will I take everything for granted again and let them slip away just as I did the last 4 years of my life?
I understand from the veterans of recovery that it gets easier and better with time. I'm trying to be true to myself and even though I see great changes already, my impatient, racing thoughts lead me down a darker road.. I don't want to be a selfish a$$hole anymore... Thanks for letting me vent. We fight these things together and that's an amazing thing! I appreciate everyone one of you! Stay strong!!
