I've been sober for close to 3 months now. It's a welcomed change, I have officially put away my early grave. Still, I am mourning my life decisions and existence. I began my decent into the dregs, early on Iife. I didn't have the best childhood yet, I didn't have the worst either. I don't make excuses for my choices. They were mine and mine alone. I own it. I own my past. I'm not ashamed of it. I am broken by it however. Now that I'm sober, everything seems to play out episodiclly. It's a never ending string of reruns I replay in my mind. It's killing me. I can't turn it off. I don't have a desire to get high, that's an old hat now I've put away. The problem is, I so don't have any desire to keep setting setting forth in the universe. Sorry for the rant, not even sure if Anyone is going to see this but, I just needed to somehow get some of these things out.
Hi Patrick! Congrats on your 3 months. I can empathize with your feelings right now, but I hope it’s ok to share this here, but I highly recommend you read The Promises from a 12-step program; If you’re not already familiar with them. This may give you some encouragement to continue pressing forward and working a program of recovery, because our drinking/using was just the surface of our disease. It is suggested we take the steps necessary to confront our past so that we may accept it, change our thinking and our doing and reap the rewards of a new life in recovery. Wishing you all the best and continued success on your recovery journey!
Thank you. I appreciate that. I really do. I'm associated w some programs and the steps and etc. I'm not generally a pessimistic guy, I'm not. It's just been such a battle. I made the choice to get sober on my own. Which was something, for the longest time - honestly I never thought possible. Sobriety lol. I'm finally engaged in life w a level and clear head. I just still have a hard time reconciling w some past choices and the e d result. I have been forgiven by people in my life. My problem - I've always been way better at punishing myself than anyone else can. So I am still making myself live In The land of the perpetual self abuse and punishment. I'm trying but it's so hard sometimes, to have the ability to forgive one's self
Keep working on forgiving yourself, try to learn from the past and look to the future. It’s way easier said than done, that’s for sure. Your past is your past, and you can’t change it, but don’t let it derail your future.
Thanks E -
I am working on that. It's a definitive work in progress lol. I have always put myself in the land of the perpetual torture party, for myself when I've done things that are in the wheelhouse of questionable.
My ex wife, has her. forgi of things , although I've completely forgiven given her of all transgressions. It's not a thing where u cN can compare to justify either. Thats OK. I'm rational and understand. I mean , I am pretty smart for a dumb guy. Lol. She had her demons, which were of a different destructive variety. No one was innocent Here. I just wish I could have realized the simple fact I couldn't drown my own demons, since they knew how to swim. Lol. If I had had a present someone, anyone in my corner at that time, maybe - just maybe??? It would not have been the sMe outcome?
I guess that's the joy of having the ability to exercise free will and analyze hindsight....the what if's...
Silence can be the loudest thing anyone may ever say...I know that know.
Is something I'm trying to dealwith - not the fact that we aren't together anymore, I wish her nothing but well and happiness - but the fact that after more than a decade and all of her secrets , and things I stuck by he side throughout, that she essentially ghosted me and I have not been able to speak w our kids since then. Believe me - I was not nor am I claiming to be remotely close to a Saint. Iwasn't. I'm flawed and rebuilding myself to who I once was. I really wish that I could simply flip a switch and erase the mistakes we had both made. But life isn't that way. That's why I battle daily w the streets in my head. Those are dangerous neighborhoods to walk alone at night... have no one to vent to, confide in. This is why I struggle daily w the thoughts of whether or not it is still worth trying to keep constructing and rebuild rebuilding myself/life or just say the hl w it and give in once and for all.
Sorry for such a long and dramatic reply...
I've Just seriously needed a venue of sorts or perhaps an understanding ear to speak to....
Hope you getting plugged into a program to learn to throw that past away. Only today matters. Keep struggling. Better life awaits. And congrats on those hard won 3 months.