Hi and thank you to whoever reads this. I’m new to this app and also just stepping onto my path of sobriety. For me, it’s been pain pills (Vicodin) that at this point I have only used to numb emotional pain, not physical. I don’t use them past what would be considered a “safe” amount as directed, but please know, I’m not fooling myself. I no longer use that as an excuse to continue.
God, I’m hoping this is a safe space here. This has not been easy to admit that I need help. I’m so conditioned to make sure I don’t “get in trouble” that I’ve sacrificed my own physical, emotional and mental well-being to keep this a silent struggle. I have suffered enough and I’m ready to get clean. I just don’t know how to do this, as far as support goes.
I am also addicted to cigarettes and I hate the way they make me feel. I don’t know if my why is just not strong enough, or if deep down I don’t believe I deserve better. Every day feels like a battle with my inner demons. I’ve even justified it at times, telling myself how much worse it could be. But I now know that by doing so, I’ve betrayed my true self and denied myself how much BETTER life could be.
Each time I’ve attempted to put an end to these vices, I have failed. I even get past any sort of physical withdrawal time period, I’ve gone 10-14 days and start to feel amazing. Oddly, the physical withdrawals are barely existent, so that isn’t the issue. It is all emotional for me. It’s something under the surface, constantly keeping me believing that I need the chemicals. I understand it’s a brain thing too. I am not undermining the damage done. I’m on Wellbutrin now and that’s helped me gain back a sense of purpose to get out of bed in the morning. Low dopamine levels are no joke. I know it is a healing journey, and I won’t feel myself overnight after I choose to get clean from these substances. But I’ve never done this type of thing before. I’ve never reached out for help, I’ve tried to do it on my own. A couple people close to me know I’ve struggled with this, but they don’t have the experience of addiction to give me support. I feel ready to put it all behind me and step into a much more empowered, sober self. But I feel alone and I’m asking for some support, maybe all I’m looking for is someone who’s struggled and overcame it, who can give me some advice. I feel so ready, and I don’t want to live out of integrity anymore. I want to heal. I don’t want to numb anymore. I just can’t seem to do it without someone in my corner, cheering me on.
Please be gentle, but forward. I can receive what I need to hear.
Thank you.
You’re incredible and brave, and have put some much thought and energy into this, that I have no doubt that you will eventually win the battle. My vice was alcohol, but my reasoning was no different than yours. I used alcohol at night after my kids went to bed to recover and hide from the stresses of the day and the guilt and trauma of my past. No one saw it, I hid it SOOO well.
I hit a point though, that I intuitively knew, I either had to quit or I would eventually drink myself sick or to death. I tried for over a year to quit. Finally my why was “I’m worth not letting down.”. I’m not sure what it was about that why, but it was a different logic than before, I reminded myself that feelings are ok! The good, the bad, the angry, the sad, they are allowed their space, and once given space, they get their time, and then they get moved on. Quit Like a Woman was a good read, and even though she focuses on alcohol, I think there are things any addict can pull from it, and she speaks more from a female addiction perspective, which I do feel is generally different than a males. Anyway, that was kind of a tangent, but keep posting in the forums, keep a gratitude journal, write down your feelings ALL of the big ones, try to find their root…especially if they go back to a childhood experience. It’s time to stop hiding from yourself and discover her instead.
I wish you nothing but the best of success …big hugs & best wishes!!
Welcome Anna, thanks for joining us! Life sure is a journey, and a sober life is a much more real and fulfilling journey (as you know already). I don't have specific experience with Vicodin, but have recently quit smoking cigarettes with the easyway, and I'm sure the same principles apply. I recommend checking out the Alan Carr's easy way to stop smoking, and apply it to both. You are definitely right in that you are worth so much more than a drug addiction, and you absolutely can be free. You'll find many helpful folks and tips/ideas/methods here, and I sure am glad you're here to add your story to ours.
One day at a time, the mantra goes, and today is the only day we experience.
It has helped me to see a therapist over the years, and this may help you to completely let go and be free, after the mild (you're absolutely right that the feelings of withdrawal are way less than most of us believe) withdrawal as your body heals.
Again, glad you're here!
Well I’m your girl. I have been to rehab twice. First time for cocaine and pill abuse but focused on cocaine as that was the bigger problem. Second time for opiates. I have been clean off of pills for 16 years by the grace of the good Lord. I am on here because I am an all around addict and starting drinking 10 years ago to once again numb myself. I can so relate. You are not alone. We have to beat this disease and it’s so good to be able to have people who can relate. While I wish addiction on no one, it helps to know there are others out there struggling too as I have no addicts in my life that truly understand.