I always felt unique. I thought I thought differently. People would tell me a story and I would either make it about me always thinking about my future or mostly about my guilt and shame of my past. I could not remain in the moment for the life of me. I couldn’t remain in silence or else my mind would flood with regrets and pain. I had to have a tv or a radio or else I’d crawl right out of my skin.
I remember truly learning this was a skill and it didn’t happen over night for me. I wanted to learn to be “in the moment”.
I started with puzzles and yes, I had music I liked playing but that was ok. Some mornings I’d wake up so early and get the so much having to remain quiet for my fiancé sleeping. I started to enjoy sitting, just sitting looking out the window at nothing, really thinking of nothing other than the beauty of a sunrise and the wind through the trees. I’d look at the shapes and colors and I was content.
I knew then this was a product of the steps. Flushing out my resentments, my painful past and living mindful. Loving a loving higher power that loved me back. Surrendered I was not that same alcoholic/drug addict person. I used to think I craved spontaneity.
I now lived consistently, predictable. It makes me feel safe. I know what’s coming. I understand things I didn’t.
In my 3rd year of sobriety I’m cleaning up my past. Repairing finances, looking to the future and not waiting for that bubble to always burst. I used to literally say “hope the best, expect the worst”. How much I had no hope!. I am hopeful today and love myself because you all loved me until I loved myself. Thank you. I love and appreciate all of you.
13 Likes
I needed this. Thank you
2 Likes
Ditto.
I needed to read this right now.
Thank you, Leslie!
2 Likes
That’s awesome, congrats, you’re not only recovering you’re becoming a better you
1 Like