just want to drink away the pain of being me
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Be strong please
Hi Allie, I dealt with this a lot. My brain was a cf for a while after getting sober. It was not easy. I worked a lot on changing my thought patterns. That is still a work in progress. I also found good mental health care. The stuff really hit the fan when my wife left right after I made a year. The people in recovery in my area surrounded me and basically held my hand. I came out the other side better the I had been in many, many years. I always wished could skip the junk in middle and get to the side. I can say that the other side is amazing and worth the fight. Hang in there and keep fighting hard. You will become a person that you forgot even existed. Reach out
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It’s ok to feel, repeat, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to feel guilt, it’s ok to feel fear, it’s ok. It’s normal, and it’s hard, and it’s messy, but feeling is the exact place you need to be! Talk, journal, therapy, meetings, a best friend. Just share what you’re feeling, so you can let it leave your body and mind. Big giant hugs!!!
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Stay the course and stay strong. It’s ok to struggle but we have to remember that the struggle can’t get the best of us.
Don’t listen to yourself. you can’t be trusted with your own thoughts,talk to sober peeps!
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I hope you're alright. I totally understand how you feel it's so exhausting and depressing living like this.
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Yes, we all wanted to drink away the pain. We all wanted to numb myself from the true reality of life itself, but the big book tells us that we must learn to live on life terms. I not seen one yet change the course of time and the reality and the social life which we are surrounded by each day, feeling suffocated feeling less than. When we think to try and swim against the grain and the current of life, we have these anxieties in these pains we don’t want to accept, the truth of what is. We use and read about acceptance a low comes off of us. We don’t have to drink our pain away because in actuality. The pain will even increase the more if retake that next drink all that next drug . And who knows where we will end up we have to learn to let go and let God 
Allie, thanks for sharing! I remember feeling so much pain in early sobriety. But the pain was way worse hungover!! Sobriety is the easier & softer way. Please stay the sober course and do a real program. I know it gets better! Many of us experienced this and are here for you.
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The you without alcohol is better equipped to handle pain, happiness, sadness, joy.. I hope you feel better soon.
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B strong