Good Morning Laura! That’s how I relapsed back in 2016. I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t care. I felt like my life was so f’ed up and out of control already that I just didn’t care anymore. Self sabotage is so demoralizing. Ughh it hurts just to think about it. Like you, the reality was that everything was pretty much ok…at least on the outside. In many ways I had a good life. Yet I continued to F it up time after time. I knew I had no one to blame but myself. That’s such a horrible feeling. All I can offer you is that there is hope Laura! Im 5 1/2 months away from drinking/drugging, and acting out with compulsive addictive behaviors. I feel like a completely different person today. It started by going cold turkey from everything, and going to meetings. I got connected with a great support group. I started to feel. It was extremely painful and scary to face my reality. However, I knew I had to if I was going to recover. With the help of the fellowship of AA, my sponsor, a therapist, marriage counseling, and my family, I’ve been able to dig out of the black hole. You can’t do this alone. I suggest you find a support group. Find some women who have been in the black hole, that can reach down into the darkness and help guide you out of it. I can’t explain it, but there’s something magical about connecting with other human beings who have experienced similar issues and understand what you are going thru. Those that have been where you are and have been helped out of it by others, are waiting to help you. They want to help you. They need to help you. You just need to find enough strength and courage to go to some meetings. You are not a bad person. You just suffer from this disease. There are many of us out there with the same disease. There is a solution. Now is a great time to get help. You already know you have a problem. It’s time to stop barely surviving, and start living again. We are all here to support you 
