Last Friday night my wife of almost 16 years said she wanted a trial separation. This hit me out of left field. I know we've had our issues, mainly my drinking, but I never thought she would get to this point. I have begged her to reconsider since she's been my closest and best friend for close to 20 years. I have told her that I wanted us to go to couples counseling again and that I would seek individual counseling for myself and that I would commit to not drinking in February (hopefully longer). I started my quit date on February 1st, so I'm barely into it. But I'm disappointed that my wife doesn't trust me anymore. I was hoping for support from her, and all I'm receiving instead is resentment and coldness which is making it hard to push forward. I told her that I was going to continue my push for sobriety with or without her. I feel for my two daughters who are 14 and 12, because I'd hate to have to see them watch us go through a separation. Is there any words of advice from anyone? I really want to turn our marriage around, but I don't know what to think about her not wanting to believe me....thanks for any help you might give me.
Andre,
First, great job on staying committed to dry February; take it one day at a time. I started reading as soon as I was on day 1 and it’s really helped. I have a couple of books to suggest you read. Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck and
Soberevolution: Evolve into Sobriety and Recovery by Matt Salis. Also listen to the podcasts on this app. They really bring to light the misery we’ve put those we love through with our drinking.
I think I've read Alcohol Lied to me a few years ago when I tried getting sober then. I also was reading the 30 Day Sobriety Solution by Jack Canfield and I'm trying to follow it again...
From my experience.
You have to work on yourself first before you can work on fixing relationships with others.
Find an AA meeting. If the things you say are that important to you really are, you will make the commitment. Your drinking and the fallout from it are probably much worse than you know. Mine was. I’m just being straight with you bro. Not going to sugar coat it. Fix the problem that deep down you know is the real problem. Reading is good, but if you want a solution, go to people who have one.
A buddy of mine who's been sober over 30 years is gonna bring me to one tonight
That’s awesome man! So good to hear.
Not sure if this helps, but there’s a group of deadheads who are sober. They (we) call ourselves Wharf Rats and we just enjoy the music these days but let the rest of the scene go.
And also sorry about the relationship and drinking related issues. The only way I’ve found to get back in the good graces of the people I’ve hurt has been through the 12 steps. Lots of good advice and encouragement around here.
Resentment is a relationship killer. It seems to develop from other underlying issues that get worse over time. I feel for you brother. The best thing you can do is work on your self. Control what you can and look forward to better days.
My buddy got me to commit to 30 meetings in 30 days...3rd day into it, and I'm already feeling better about things. Also my wife is now starting to see that I'm serious to staying sober, and she's no longer wanting to separate!
You won’t regret it.
Congratulations on going to a meeting and committing to 30 in 30. Let your wife see your footwork towards Recovery.
I’ve been in your wife’s shoes, and honestly it just can’t work unless your partner is sober. It’s like oil and vinegar. You think differently and live differently and it’s a different kind of support and love. That’s good you are going to remain sober with or without her. I would really commit to that for life & she will see that & who knows what might happen. Goodluck!!