I’m struggling, confused & scared. I’m no stranger to recovery. At one point I had 3 years of sobriety. Like so many, I thought I could stay sober on my own. I ended up on pills for 5 years. About 6 months after my dad passed away from pancreatic cancer, I woke up one day and decided to throw every pill down the toilet. I was done being it’s slave and not living life. That was 2017. Fast forward to 2019 and I was still off pills but not sober. I began drinking here and there and then began blacking out. Over the next 3 months my drinking led me to wrecking my brand new car, hitting my best guy friend of 15 years who then punched me in the head, I lost my group of friends and I was on the verge of losing my 8 year marriage. Then July 2019 I receive the worst call of my life from my mom. “Sweetie, the cancer has moved to my liver and there’s nothing more the doctors can do”. I hopped on a plane the next and stayed by her side but not before I did some cocaine and once I got there stole some of her boyfriend’s pain pills. You see, my mom had battled breast cancer twice over the course of 18 years. This was a battle that lasted literally half my life. From the age of 16-34 I went to chemo appointments with her, I shaved her head the first time she got cancer, I cried with her and laughed with her and we made the most out of life that we could. We never expected her to go the way she did and so abruptly. Yet, she did and what I wouldn’t give to have 1 more beautiful day with the woman that showed me what it means to truly live, have grace, love unconditionally, fight the good fight, be a mother and most of all keep my faith in God through it all. I always knew and so did my friends that the day God took my mom would be the day I die as well. For 2 years now I have been wallowing in every negative emotion possible. Mostly anger towards God for taking her when he did and anger towards myself for allowing my life to get to this unbearable point. I’m also angry that my now ex-husband walked out on me for another woman and served me with divorce papers 4 weeks after my mother died. In less than a month I lost almost all of my family. To make matters worse, I went against everything instinct in my body and coped by doing meth and becoming romantically involved with a guy I knew I had no business getting my involved with. Now, here I am 2 years later, completely addicted to a drug I swore I would never do and a man who has abused me and stolen more than just money from me. I have reached a point where most days I literally think I died and went to hell or I’m in a coma. I’m living in shame everyday and as much as I want and need to walk away from the drug and the relationship, I can’t seem to do either. I’ve never been so aware of what I need to do and yet so unable to do it. The relationship I’m in is beyond toxic in almost every way. If I’m being honest, I stay because I’m scared to be alone and I’m scared nobody will want me.
I have been on this app on and off for a few months, but tonight I’m at my breaking point and had to share. Thanks for listening!
. You are not alone all you need to do is reach out. Keep your head and stay strong