So I have 20 months of black and white recovery. I’m on my 9th step, I work at a detox and manage a sober living. I have experienced a lot of first times in recovery and completed some goals I thought I could never achieve. This has been the longest time I’ve ever spent away from my son. It kills me to be away still. I want to give him a better life. I’m originally from San Bernardino, but came out to San Diego for treatment. I’ve been here since just to finish my steps and get direction from god on when and where to go. Future tripping has been my first thought lately uncertainty on a career path has been confusing. Thoughts of self doubt are constantly and overwhelming. Idk what my problem is but lately I have been plagued by thoughts of getting high, it seems to be a great solution. I thought after a year and a half abstinent I’d be less co dependent, and more self secure. Step 9 is clear to me as being a change of behavior. Yet all I want to do is behave as I’ve always have. I seen a behavior change for the better for sure. I’m Very aware of my character defects but lately it seems I’m almost going backwards. I guess I’m struggling with taking my will back. Gratitude has been distant and accepting where I am has been harder than the usual. Keep me in your prayers that I keep trusting god and fighting the good fight. Thanks
Try not to get in you own way. We are VERY good at that. Always remember that we got clean and sober for a reason, and that is never a good solution. I have never woken up grateful that I drank, EVER….
Similar to step 4, step 9 is one of those steps that cause us a lot of fear and anxiety. I believe what you are feeling is very common. Talk to your sponsor, and your support group. You should not keep this all in your head and do this alone. Go back over steps 1-3, especially 1. The solution is NOT drinking/drugging. Give yourself a break my brother. You’ve come so far, and are doing so well. Work thru these feelings and they will pass. Gratitude and peace are on the other side. I’m here to help if you need to chat. We recover together
Thanks man I appreciate the support.