LONG POST SORRY
Im struggling with fantasizing about my ex tonight. I call her my ex but i doubt she would call me hers. She was my limerent object more than anything else.
We only “dated” for around a month or two but we were both in treatment for trauma and intimacy disorders so it was a fast, hot, but short experience filled with the highest of highs (at least for me) and the lowest of lows. Its been around 4 or 5 years since we last spoke but tonight i am really tempted to break N.O (no contact) and reach out to her but i know i cant bc doing so would just restart the limerent cycle.
I never got “closure” when things ended— they just ended just as abruptly as things began. Basically i managed to manipulate her into a “relationship” of some kind. She only ever saw me as a friend but i definitely used emotional manipulation and eventually it kinda worked. Its important to note that all this time she was also being manipulative and stringing me in with mixed messages. She loved having somebody obsessed with her which is why we both continued this “dance” per se.We were both going through serious debilitating mental health problems from CPTSD.
So eventually we started making out frequently, cuddling frequently, and i guess just playing the part of boyfriend and girlfriend even tho it was anything but that. To me i consider her my first girlfriend bc she was the first girl i ever really did anything like that with. She was 100% my first love.
Anyway, this continued on for a few months until she had psychotic breakdown of sorts and wanted to kill herself so she got commited to the psychward and immediatly left for a treatment program in California. She then blocked me on all social media and my phone without explanation. Or at the very least a “this toxic co-dependent thing were in has to stop for the best of both of us”. But now she just left and ghosted me and that led to my own mental breakdown.
After she left, i started abusing hard drugs like xanax consistently and drinking as well to help with the withdrawal of losing her and I barely remember that whole year of my life. All i do remember is her telling a mutual friend one time how im such a POS and this and that because I guess she realized that I had been emotionally manipulating her and taking advantage of her vulnerable state of mind and using that to my advantage, which is probably true. It became a weird codependent trauma bond relationship of sorts bc she knew that she was leading me on as well but still kept it up for her own validation and attention.
But why do I still think about her 5years later after knowing very well from the very get go that she NEVER saw me as anything more than a friend? I still fantasize daily about the memories of us cuddling and just holding her in my arms as she fell asleep.
It was a fake one-sided relationship the whole time but we BOTH knew that and we both knew it would end badly and that it was unhealthy but we kept it up. She was not romantically into me in anyway but i wasn’t and couldn’t only be a platonic friend to her because of my limerence so i guess we sort of both tried it out for a little while.
Like i said, i never got closure and so i feel that is a huge reason why i still havent fully moved on from her. But at the same time, i know that i cant try to reach out to her for closure because that would be just my sneaky addict limerent brain wanting her back.
Ive thought about writing her an “amends” like they do in the program but it was and will always be a fake amends. It would be a declaration of love wrapped up in disguise as an “amends” just in hopes that she might give me another chance since so much time has passed and im better looking now.
I would tell her how much of a different person i am now both physically and mentally and so maybe we should catch up just as “friends” even though I know full well it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to “just be friends” with her without becoming limerent for her again. But thats obviously not an amends bc its just to make myself feel better. And if i were to send her an “amends” i would be devastated if she didnt respond, or if she did respond but in a negative way, etc, so it would just be harming myself and her twofold.
I want to be over her already. I don’t want the thought of her being with another guy to still give me that sour feeling in my stomach—its been 5yrs not 5 days…
Limerence is a curse i wouldnt wish on my very own worst enemy. I am so sorry to anyone else who is struggling with this disease, its debilitating.
