It's been awhile since I got clean, but this time I went through rehab and the first 90 in 90 while I'm still taking methadone, and it's got me feeling like I'm trapped out here on the ragged edge, not using, but not entirely abstinent from all drugs. I also stopped all the psych medicine when I quit drinking, and I had to fight for that, it wasn't something that was encouraged. So here I am years later, and I'm just not moving forward the way I know is possible. It's easy to watch the months slip by, taking my daily dose of the liquid handcuffs, but it's not part of the process to get off the program. My probation requires it, and there's not any push to take less, they really just want to keep you in stasis for the duration. I'm not sure how to proceed, but I feel my life slipping away, wasted a day at a time. It's not a terrible life, and I stay grateful for what I have, but I know there's more out there for me beyond these little bottles of societal control. God, Grace, Gratitude, and the 12 Steps... I do it all today.
So i relate with you quite a bit here, I spent over a decade on methadone most of which I was still using and some I wasn’t. I got involved in the program stepwise but was torn about the methadone. I talked to the doctor and therapist at the clinic and they both told me with my background I would never be able to get off. So I became determined to get off it and did at a rehab in California, that was about 9 years ago. Message me if you ever want to talk
You can put in motion and petition to court to get off that shyt
I would encourage deep authentic reflection. You can live a very fulfilling life while on methadone IF you work your recovery. Hearing you say your days are wasting a way makes me wonder if it's something deeper. And if it is something else causing these feelings I would encourage working through those things before getting off your dose. And to be clear I totally support a person getting off methadone as well as staying on it. All of it depending on their recovery. Many years on methadone don't necessarily go hand in hand with a strong recovery that prepares someone to taper off. And getting off without that foundation can set people up for failure. To sum up my long rant lol self inventory is important before getting off methadone. (And I mean no disrespect by my comment) wish you the best.
Thanks for the great responses. It's true that there are many layers to the dysfunction in my life. I've been trying to find a healthy recovery for 25 years now, and the MAT is definitely a setback from where I was after the first 5 years clean. I know there's a breakthrough to be had simply because I'm not anywhere I'd like to be. I'm drowning in depression and untreated trauma and I'm sick of trying to even address it. Many of the people I've been close with are gone now, it's a lonely path at the end. I have tried to be thorough and fearless with my inventory from the start, but of course I can't know what I have subconsciously suppressed. In many ways it's a moving target, I live in such a dynamic place. I have a lot of hope that with persistence and time I will be able to work through this period in my life and recovery, and find some measure of a meaningful existence. I guess I want everyone out there to know that staying clean is a great place to start, but the storms that come afterwards will be significant. Good Luck
I've tried methadone too and it kept me there also... Suboxone helped me alot more
a lot of people end up feeling judged no matter what route they take in recovery. meanwhile they’re just trying to stay alive long enough to figure things out. you can hear he wants more for his life, he just sounds tired and stuck right now.
I was on 12 years and had a guy slowly get off by a 1 mg a day taper, im not going through any bad withdrawals, on it 12 years, but the more AA and belief in God or your Higher power, it helps so much. Dont beat yourself up and remember, your not a bad, weak or whatever person. Your still sober, do the program and enjoy life, if your going down a mg a week, it will take a year or more depending but you can feel good knowing your on the way back to getting off altogether.