Long post but it’s where I’m at tonight

Mental Health
#1

I’m writing this like a journal entry because it helps me. Maybe people can relate. It helps me know I’m not alone in this journey. Because it is always a journey.

I have a nightly self care routine. It fell apart while I had covid, so I tell myself I’m reprogramming my brain to do it automatically again. Brains are strange organs. Especially when they lie to us, keep us from doing things to care & love for ourselves. Every night I take a long, hot bath. I have all the things, bubble bath, bath salts, skin scrub brush, homemade soaps. Plus, I started making it a priority to attend nightly zoom all recovery meetings. I did that first, then took a long bath. Played music & just sat in there. I even bought a bath pillow so I can relax.
So, I’m just sitting there staring at my feet, listening to music and thinking. I’m thinking: things have really changed when the most precious things in my life are peace, security and safety. That’s physical, mental, emotional, spiritual…all of it. I thought, here I am. I’m in the middle of this & I never thought I’d get here, but just keep going. Imagined where I might be in a year if I don’t allow my brain to tear me apart & sabotage my life again. I thought, well, it’s isolating in the country. I guess I could move back to my house after it’s renovated. Then I realized, no. That’s not my dream. At all. It’s not what I want. I have choices. I can create my life how I want it to be. The house will sell soon, and I made it a nice home for a future family. That’s good. I’ll pay off debt. I’ll keep rebuilding my life. I’ll give my future self even more choices & power over her life.

All this stuff just sitting in my bath tub staring at my feet. Listening to a song. I thought about running into people I worked for when I was a total tornado disaster person. Roleplaying their disgust, anger, disappointment or cold shoulders in my mind. Then roleplaying me telling them: I’m not here to ask for forgiveness. No person should be responsible for forgiving another person so they can go on. But I’m here to say I understand if you choose to only know that version of me. I’m not longer her & whether you accept that or not, just please understand I’m aware I hurt you & did horrible things. I’ve had to live and learn from my wrongdoings. I don’t want the outcome of that behavior because I’ve reaped the consequences. I just want peace, so I do not harm & try to be better and better everyday.

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#2

Peace, safety and security. Me too! I love your routine.

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#3

It honestly really saved me with meetings. It’s so basic but simple things for self love make huge changes. My thing is tonight I’m looking back at my adult life before recovery & just thinking my God I was a disaster. Struggling with that but facing it I think so I resist sabotage.

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#4

Love. Just love this. :two_hearts:
You’re on an amazing journey, thank you so, so much for sharing :two_hearts: :heart: :two_hearts: :pray:t2:

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#5

It’s so messed up tonight because I feel like ok. I am this better person and I was the bad person too. I guess I’m just human. And I still mess stuff up but I am trying. Thank you :pray:

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#6

That is all you can do. Being human is all about making mistakes and learning from them. I like to think there are no “good or bad” people, just good and bad choices. You cannot change the past but you can change your future :hugs: :heart:

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#7

It's definitely something I think about too. I've sabotaged so many times.

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#8

I’m kinda at the crossroads. I have some miraculous things that have happened in my life. This time I’m saying thank you for my blessings, but also afraid to step into the next chapter because if I don’t work dang hard everyday it will not work. Anyway, just in my head but maybe that’s good because at least I’m aware of what self sabotage is & understanding why I did it instead of believing bad things happen to me etc. I’m over here like: I feel :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: tonight. Then I think. No. You’re doing the work to stay stable & sane. It’s the opposite.Anyway thank you so much for relating

#9

Me 3 and at first I denied it. I was offended when my therapist told me I did that. That was in 2019. Guess it took me 4 years to accept that. Now that I accept it, I must end it!!

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#10

That’s so nice to read. I really have always thought it’s overrated. Thank you for sharing about your self care success. I’m thinking of what I could do to start.

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#11

Your “journal” really resonated with me. Journals are like journeys into the real you. Sounds to me like you are doing alot of inner work. That’s a a huge step forward…I appreciate your insights. Thanks for sharing them.

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#12

This post says it was “flagged” and hidden.

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#13

Ok no big deal

#14

I wonder why it was flagged Leigh Ann? Weird!

#15

Who knows.

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#16

I wanted to read it now I'm off work dang!

#18

Self care is really key. Maybe start small with a routine, something that’s healthy & good for you. It really helps.

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#19

It’s very hard to work through the things we’ve done. I struggled with anxiety and depression just like most. I couldn’t stop thinking about things that were said and done. And nobody is harder on myself than I am. I punished myself. A lot. But I promise you that it does get better! All of the garbage I did and being a selfish and shitty person was absolutely necessary for me to become who I am today. It had to be hideous for me to want to change. You have to go through your worst in order to become the best you that you can be! And if I can do that then anyone can do it. You got this!!!

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