Hi everyone. I wanted to find a safe space to share this. I do not have many social supports in my every day life.
This week I visited an ex boyfriend of 6 years. Him and I used on and off together for our entire relationship, with small amounts of sobreity in between while we were together.
I will not go into details of that relationship because I more so am looking for support with where im at in my sobreity.
Anyways, he is in active addiction. I did not know until I went up to his house which is 45 minutes away from my home town. I do not have transportation. He promised originally that he would uber me home within the next two days before I went up there.
He spent all of his money on gambling and it eas clear he was using around the clock. Due to this I could not get back home to reciebr my MAT.
I live with a Chronic illness and a Chronic pain condition… It was a really hard week for me. I made it to day 5 and ijust broke and I used.
The withdrawals, plus all of the fibromyalgia symptoms, plus being around someone whonos actively using around me I caved. I used for 2 days, in between i was able to get sleep over night.
I made it back home sober for Mother’s day, and i was able to begin my MAT again yesterday.
Anyways i feel really awful about it all. The guilt that comes with a relapse. I opened doors for older connections from my past and ive been asked several times to come out to use.
I am home tight now safe and sober. I tried to get to a meeting tonight but I could not get myself moving. I slept all day and now it is late and that window where i can gonout to use for a couple hours and come home is open.
I do not want to do that. It is like everything in my body and mind is screaming at me to go back out but I know where that will eventuly lead me, even if it is not instant.
I do not know what I am really looking for in response to this post. Maybe some encouraging feedback that this is not the end of the road for me, and that I do not have to go full spped back into a relapse that will lead me back into homlessness and awful circumstances.
I can make the connect that if I continue down this road that it will mot end in my favor and I will have immense guilt and regret. I know i can lose my housing and everything I built over the past 7 months…. I was struggling with my mental health before I ever picked up.
That is about it. Thanks in advance to everyone who read.