Longer read and in need of support

Struggling Help
#1

Hi everyone. I wanted to find a safe space to share this. I do not have many social supports in my every day life.

This week I visited an ex boyfriend of 6 years. Him and I used on and off together for our entire relationship, with small amounts of sobreity in between while we were together.

I will not go into details of that relationship because I more so am looking for support with where im at in my sobreity.

Anyways, he is in active addiction. I did not know until I went up to his house which is 45 minutes away from my home town. I do not have transportation. He promised originally that he would uber me home within the next two days before I went up there.

He spent all of his money on gambling and it eas clear he was using around the clock. Due to this I could not get back home to reciebr my MAT.
I live with a Chronic illness and a Chronic pain condition… It was a really hard week for me. I made it to day 5 and ijust broke and I used.

The withdrawals, plus all of the fibromyalgia symptoms, plus being around someone whonos actively using around me I caved. I used for 2 days, in between i was able to get sleep over night.

I made it back home sober for Mother’s day, and i was able to begin my MAT again yesterday.

Anyways i feel really awful about it all. The guilt that comes with a relapse. I opened doors for older connections from my past and ive been asked several times to come out to use.

I am home tight now safe and sober. I tried to get to a meeting tonight but I could not get myself moving. I slept all day and now it is late and that window where i can gonout to use for a couple hours and come home is open.

I do not want to do that. It is like everything in my body and mind is screaming at me to go back out but I know where that will eventuly lead me, even if it is not instant.

I do not know what I am really looking for in response to this post. Maybe some encouraging feedback that this is not the end of the road for me, and that I do not have to go full spped back into a relapse that will lead me back into homlessness and awful circumstances.

I can make the connect that if I continue down this road that it will mot end in my favor and I will have immense guilt and regret. I know i can lose my housing and everything I built over the past 7 months…. I was struggling with my mental health before I ever picked up.

That is about it. Thanks in advance to everyone who read.

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#2

Sorry for the typos. My screen is broke!

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#3

good to hear that you are safe, and looking forward to continuing with your healthy lifestyle choices

#4

You’re human. Slip ups happen! You are still alive and able to talk about. Don’t look back…. Look to the future. Be a success story!

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#5

He is an EX for a reason, leave your past in the past. Start everything a new and keep making new. The old life and friends have nothing to offer you, you know this because that story has already played out a time or two. Stay where you’re at and taking forward steps. So you got knocked back a step or two what are you going to do now? Forward or backward the choose Is ultimately yours! But be honest you know which way you should go because you’re talking out here. Go to a meeting talk it out and leave it there today is a new sober day!

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#6

Did we learn anything from this? WTH you mean to tell me (us) that you thought this all the way through.

A dog will always return to its own vomit

Jacque... With you having RA did you not realize nor did your doctor mention to you that you'd be allergic to any type of drug outside of what is being prescribed to you.

I'm glad you're back and you took the time to write this out.

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#7

Ok, first and foremost kudos for for sharing all this and seeking help, I have found myself doing similar things many times throughout the years. I know the struggle all too well. I think you’re already aware of some of the things to do in order to move forward. Definitely do everything you can to get to meetings and share where you’re at. But with the old boyfriend and anyone else still using boundaries would certainly be helpful. And finally if the pull to use proves to be just too powerful reach out to the recovery community and just say I need help stopping. It ultimately took me three rehabs and four psych wards to stop after my last relapse. Just don’t give up!

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#8

Big progress and being able to share about it and so quickly after a relapse. My relapse took me all the way to a suicide attempt. I use the relapse as one of the strongest tools in my recovery today. For me the only way I can stay sober is being very busy. I didn’t find life in recovery until recovery became my life. I go to AA meetings every single day. I have six service positions. I volunteer at the central service office. I literally besides my Home Group talk to 50 people in recovery every single day. I try to be as helpful as I can and over share. I pray a lot. I see and talk to my Sponser every single day. I left a six figure income job for barely full-time hours minimum wage and tips to a couple that are in recovery. I changed every single thing in my life. I’m not on a pink cloud. I’m in a wow phase of my recovery. Currently in the middle of the fifth step. I’m sleeping at night. My anxiety is down. I just suggest get busy, my friend. I’ll pray for you. I will hope the absolute best for you. But you have to see the patterns in your life and why relapse comes back. For me it’s when I stop doing certain things in my recovery. This has been a problem for me for 40 years. Take it easy on yourself and have a beautiful day.

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#9

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Pray about it. The devil is winning right now bc he wants you to believe the lies in your head that you need to go use. We both know where that leads to. Prayers for you to have the strength and will power to not go back out and use.

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#10

Sometimes the hardest things for me. We’re getting honest about my slips, relapses, just plain old fu&?ing up. But that’s the first part of freeing ourselves. Stop beating yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day. Don’t let a slip turn into a Run. I’d suggest hitting a meeting as well.

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#11

Morning :sunny: I hope today is better for you all around. First I feel that who among us can give solutions and solid answers when it comes to relationships and dealing with mixed emotions. Honestly I believe we all face our past relationship issues differently but I will say that I relate to your story. We have to learn to leave the past in the past, people places and things. It's HARD!!! You're doing right by looking at how far you've come and having gratitude for what you've gained from your personal accountability and recovery. Stand strong and be patient and accountable. We all strive to be accepted and be better

#13

It’s okay … the most IMPORTANT thing is that you choice to come back! We listen and we don’t judge.

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#14

Jacque, I’m praying for you🙏. Freedom awaits you. Stay close to your sober brothers and sisters. And stay far away from using addicts. I’m here if you want to talk or have any questions

#15

@jacquelyn467939 Just checking in with you. How are you holding up over there. Please don't leave us hanging. Are things getting better? Please keep us updated.

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#16

Hi Jacque, I’m glad you’re okay now. As for my story, I’ve had many relapses over the years. The feelings you have after a relapse are hard, and there’s really nothing you can do to change what already happened. But one thing I learned about myself is that a part of me still wanted to relapse at the time.

I had been trying to get sober since my early 30s and wasn’t successful for years. It wasn’t until I hit my absolute bottom — to the point where I almost lost my life — that things finally changed for me. Honestly, I truly believe that if it wasn’t for God, I wouldn’t be here today.

After 9 years of trying, I’m now coming up on 3 years sober. Looking back, I feel like all of those struggles had to happen for me to become the person I am today. I had to give up the one thing to get everything, instead of giving up everything for that one thing. Sorry for the long message. :slightly_smiling_face:

#17

Sending you some love :two_hearts:

#18

Ashley, relax. Believe me, I know every day is a struggle, and the temptation can be high. But, remember one thing. You control work goes into your body not your friends not your intimate partner not your coworkers or even your family. Remember, the most important thing of all, is you control what crosses your lips. That may sound simple, when you think about it and it’s most based terms, you can look to whatever higher all you want, but you are your higher power. God gave us the ability to make decisions. So, if you’re waiting for God to come down and stop you from putting a bottle to your lips, you’re Southern mistaken is empowered you to make that decision believe me each time someone offers you alcohol, and you reply now I absolutely 1000% guarantee that you will feel empowered into that empowerment at some point, time where alcohol no longer matters to you because it represents something different in your life than what it once did.

#19

I’m sorry for some of my typos, but I I think you get the the general concept.

#20

Hey everyone thanks for the feedback and support! I will be sober for 1 week on Friday (tomorrow).

I am going to read through these comments.

I really did not expect to get this much feedback and support. It really brought a tear to my eye and I am so grateful for every single one you!

#21

Yes! Thank you for this reminder. God and I haven’t spoke in a while and I know that I need to get stronger in my relationship with Him and Faith like I was before.