My husband after 40 plus years of addiction killed himself. I had years of sobriety and almost equal years of drinking. Im still drinking because I can't see no other way to cope. So I made it all day but now its night time and the struggle is real
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Good job on making it all day. It's night time now. Read a book , .due something to distract yourself from wanting a drink. It's hard I know, I find that redirecting my thought has helped along with praying. Keep going I can do it.
At the beginning of my recovery, I thought that if I lost my husband to suicide it would be the worst thing to live through. He was very deep in addiction, and I couldn't save him.I can't imagine the depth of the pain you're feeling. Can I just tell ya that feeling your grief won't kill you if you reach out for help and support. It may feel like dying briefly because in recovery, the old you dies so the new you can thrive. There's healing in recovery, and your life can be enjoyable again. Just keep collecting your daily chips. You'll get there.
Grieving is a process and we all grieve the same it's just in different ways. It takes time some longer than other's. Talking about it helps and I found meetings really helped.I also had to get counseling for my loss.My father was murdered and I never could have stopped using if I hadn't dealt with my trauma first and foremost. I realized that drugs and alcohol were not my problem they were my solution to my problem which was my trauma You'll be able to stop in good time but you have to go through the grieving process no matter what.Sorry for your loss your in my prayers 
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That can be heavy, and I feel every word you shared. You’re still here, still trying, and that says something. The pain’s real, but so is the part of you that wants better. Don’t give up on her. Nights get rough, but you go at it alone.