Every single day I’m finding myself in the surrender zone when it comes to my recovery it’s amazing the things that I have to sit back and play the tape all the way through on just because I don’t feel the need to hurt people the way that I’ve been hurt, but I’m telling you when it comes to recovery and surrendering to some things I feel like being played by my spiritual connection an get d then I found myself looking back and in questioning why am I going through this after all that I have managed to deal with? I still managed to have more stuff to go through and that scares me more than anything on earth. I sit back and I see where God is trying to take me and I can’t get my head to match my heart or get my heart to match my head and it scares me to death. I keep trying to figure out what does he want from me why am I going through this challenge or what do my people want from me and why do they want to make you suffer? I love I love everybody and I try my best to get along with everybody but then there’s this piece this thing that won’t let me be, and it’s hard to find peace in the middle of the storm. I try my best to stay strong. Stay prayed up even when I’m feeling down. I see myself shutting down more now and I keep trying to figure out Lord what do they want from me and why do I have to be so strong? Why are they making me be this way? When is my soft error gonna come? When am I going to get to be a little mushy girly girl instead of having to act like wonder woman or she roll or something? I’m I’m I’m I’m tired. I’m exhausted and I’m tired of fighting. I’ve never been much of a fighter anyway I’ll talk a lot of stuff to you but much of a fighter no way but now I’m seeing this angry person emerge this thing coming out of me and she scares Me, especially for someone who had a love of people the angry woman that I am becoming is not a good person and maybe that’s what God is trying to show me that my anger has to have a hold on it before he truly gives me my blessing but then I keep trying to figure out why me God why do I have to be ahead of my family? I’m tired I’m exhausted and I really do need some somebody to show me or tell me why I have to acknowledge so much pain.
The book says there’s a long period of reconstruction ahead of us. Recovery is very simple, but it’s not easy. I’m generally emotionally exhausted but because I’m doing the work you go to meetings every single day there’s a whole bunch of people in my recovery circle that I text and call spend time with ask for help from try to help them. Working the steps with my Sponser meeting every week reading the book. Yada yada yada could go forever. Some days are just hard some days all I can do is surrender to God into the program and try to do the next Wright thing if I don’t know what it is I ask. Her first 164 pages of that book are very clear instructions it doesn’t need to be analyzed or thought about. It’s pretty clear and cut just do the work. The gifts of recovery are that when I’m exhausted and emotionally wrecked that I don’t have to cause myself harm or cause others harm that’s where I see the gift in the benefit of being sober. Just remember this too shall pass. I know that sounds cliché as AF but in my experience it’s totally true. I’m praying for you. You need to talk I’m always around.
The teacher will come when the student is ready. There is no instant gratification in recovery.
It takes time, patience and we must trust the process. Keep your faith. Much love 
I feel you. Recovery can be very hard. Change is hard. Life is not easy. Life is not perfect but life is good. The acceptance readings were helpful to me early on. I had a sponsor that used to say hey trish, come over here! I’d go over and say what? and she’d say – I just needed you to stand up because you were getting a ring around your a$$ from sitting on the pity pot for so long. This was after me being in the car accident about four days after getting out of treatment. My brother was crushed by the steering wheel and killed, my aorta was severed upon Impact and I broke a bunch of bones and my surgery led to a clot and I had a stroke. I had all of six months clean and sober. But I stayed that way and now I have over 38 and I’ll have 39 in June by the grace of God. I was learning to grieve the loss of my brother, I had survival guilt, I had to learn how to walk again, talk again, live my life with one hand because my left hand has never worked since. I had the loss of some of the coping skills that I had before because I couldn’t play piano anymore, etc. but she was right. There was so much more to be grateful for. If I just stayed in the moment, everything was OK. Not the way I felt it was supposed to be necessarily not the way that I wished it could be, but it was OK. I had to accept that. I was not the commander of the universe and that there are a lot of things out of my control. The only thing I could control was my behaviors, my thoughts, and how I manage my feelings. And many days that was a full-time job. Hang in there. Keep talking. Keep asking God what the heck is going on. Someday you’ll look back and you’ll see some patterns and ways that you were contributing to your challenges and other times, you’ll see God and how he provided for you throughout and other times you’ll just see all the growth that you experience because of those issues or in spite of them. You’ve got this, even if you don’t think you do. If you don’t think you do believe that, I believe that you do.
Wow that's a lot Alice.
Try not to put so much pressure on yourself as far as being everything for everyone.
Maybe put yourself first and just do the best you can with the tools you have available in the moment.
If you can, try not to burn yourself out mentally trying to figure things out that you have no control over.
When you want to go for a drive, you grab your keys start your car, throw it in gear and away you go.
If you needed to understand all the inner workings of how the car starts, how the gas gets to the engine, how the engine power transfers to the drive train etc. you would never leave the driveway. You just trust the car is engineered correctly and go.
Trust God has created you perfectly and go.
If Jesus in his last moments asked why God had forsaken him and did not understand the plan where his situation was concerned, we are definitely not going to understand his plans for us, so all we can do is have faith.
I hope my little babble made some sense.
All we can do is do the best we can. We will never have all the answers.
I know that probably wasn't the advice you were hoping for but I did read your post many times and hope I conveyed something that made sense.
Take good care of you first Alice!
Keep on keeping on.
I believe in You!