Looking for help with a recovery dilemma

Recovery
#1

Tomorrow I will go to my home group and receive my key tag for 90 days clean! I’m feeling really good about this milestone—not every day was easy but through the Fellowship and guidance from my sponsor I was able to succeed in achieving this milestone.

At first, I was going to multiple meetings every day, then started only doing 6 in-person every week. I’ve met a lot of incredible people, built up a network, and find the meetings cathartic at times.

The problem: as I attend meetings less frequently, I find that I’m much happier. The meetings can be positive, but at times to me it felt like just surrounding myself with devastation and heartbreak. The inability to identify that higher being (I’m not at all religious) and the self-flagellation leaves me feeling exhausted and knocks me down, rather than build me up.

I guess my options are go to fewer meetings, keep up my current routine, or look elsewhere for support continuing my recovery. I’m so conflicted, because it became ingrained in us during rehab that attending as many meetings as possible is how you get and stay clean. But for me, staying clean doesn’t necessarily require everything the Fellowship offers—I’ve found that equally as important is more socializing (with respectful understanding friends), more down time to think, write, etc. The icing on the cake is my eating habits—nights at meetings means I’m eating late and it’s ordering takeout, not cooking for myself (another therapeutic mechanism for me). And now that I’m back to work full time, my days are long: I’ll be working from 8-5 or 8-6, going to a meeting, coming home to eat a late dinner, and going to sleep. I’m not sure that schedule is beneficial for me.

I’d love some insight and perspectives on this. My instinct is to simply attend fewer meetings and if I begin to struggle with recovery, increase the number of meetings I attend.

But is that as bad as just leaving it entirely? I don’t think so, but my absence at meetings will make me stand out more when I attend.

What’s the best of the three options?

Also, sorry for the novel. I’ve been trying to articulate this for days now.

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#2

This is a working program. You have to do the work. Please do not stop going to meetings. What rehab ingrained in you is correct. All the silly quotes: 90 meetings 90 days (then start over), meetings makers make it, don’t leave before the miracle happens, take what you need and leave the rest. I can go on and on. If you haven’t already start doing service work. That is the 3rd part of the triangle. Chair a meeting. Get out of your own way and get out of self. You will be amazed.

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#3

Stop.

Not "stop going to meetings". Stop over thinking it.

I'm an atheist, I don't believe in any higher power in any way. I don't think I'm the center of the universe either. I just know that I'm not the only one on the planet, so my actions affect other people, both negatively and positively.

I go to 7+ meetings a week. Half of them are secular meetings, if you have those where you are located, go. All sobriety, no prayer. If not there are lots of secular zoom AA meetings, look up Lakewood Freethinkers. Also, check out The Satanic Temple's Sober Faction. Also 100% sobriety and no prayer(not to any deity, not even Satan, haha).

Hang in there, stay sober.

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#4

I feel the same. Meetings sometimes bring a lot of negativity I don’t need all the time. I like meetings online to fill the gaps. Sometimes I can’t hear the message because I’m so frustrated with so many meetings. It’s finding a balance that works for you. Good luck to you.

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#6

My oh my Colin, i resonate with you on so many accounts -explored all the outlets in reading, writing, exercise but found therapy to be the best fit for me, all through Google meets once a week since I started work (my grind is the 8-4:30 deal) I was pushed into trying AA but worried about the outside experiences that would affect my mental state and further my depression/anxiety as I could barely handle my own. Specifically, I use dbt/emdr therapy... justva suggestion (not knocking any other forms of recovery) :slightly_smiling_face:

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#7

Well it sounds like I’m not the only one grappling with this but for the vast majority, 12 steps is the way to go. I’d like to keep doing step work and I have my home group which I really enjoy and a few others throughout the week I can attend.

One thing I know for certain just to clarify: I have no intention of relapsing and giving up my clean time. I’m happily clean and the slight lifestyle changes have been pretty easy. I don’t take this lightly (why I’m asking for insight) and at the end of the day I need to do what’s best for me and my recovery. I will do more zoom meetings and attending home group and working with my sponsor and if I get the slightest feeling that I’m backsliding, I’ll go to meetings more. I think ideally I would like to get to a place where I attend home group, and on bad days I go to meetings, but it’s not all-consuming like it is now.

Appreciate everyone’s feedback thus far! This is a great community and I knew I’d benefit from sharing this dilemma. I’d say I’m looking forward to 180 days but really, I’m just going to be excited making it to 91 days.

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