Losing the love of my life recently and countless friends and meaningful connections because of who I turn into when I black out drinking, hurt. The loss of self, though, that passed so quietly I didn't even hear it leave.
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I didn't realize I lost myself until I was standing in the bread section of the grocery store after getting sober and a bad breakup. I had been living codependently for years. I only knew what she liked but never cared enough for myself.
Standing in the bread section in a grocery store trying to figure out what kind of bread you like is a really weird feeling.
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Ouch. Thats a rough one. It's scary but, it's also the clarity you needed, right? Realizing it wasn't healthy love and that you are better off and can be more actualized as a person without the security blanket of a partner? The messages present themselves in such bizarre ways 
I get it , I lost so many relationships in the past , one of my best friends I actually beat up in front of his kids and I regret it to this day because we haven’t spoke in 12 years
Although it is painful, I think and hope that you will find that the self which emerges so often surpasses even our highest hopes. Not to say I do t have tough days and do t get sad, but where I am today I definitely did not think possible
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Aw I'm sorry to hear that. I get verbally abusive and go into suicide mode when I get in that deeply drunk state and it's bad. I feel shame still and I'm trying to forgive myself.
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I hope I see a day that looks like that
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As a person prone to codependent behavior person myself, I can definitely relate. I always seemed to remember how to take care of what I wanted, but never what I needed. The prime example in my case was my weight. At the beginning of my last relationship I was 175lbs soaking wet. By the end of it (a little over a year) I weighed 220 pounds. I can gladly say that a fringe benefit of working a recovery program was gaining the awareness and discipline required for everyday life, which translated nicely into my physical recovery as well. I’m weighing in at 178 now. The point of all this bragging is that this program and recovery in general can give you the things you forgot were of value to you. Stay the course one day at a time.
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I can relate to your post, the loss, the suicidal thoughts when drunk...
Maybe this is the season of YOU, work on you, practice lots of self care, make sobriety a priority and love yourself
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That's what I need the most, focus on me and not all my losses. I'll go crazy if I do that.
Hey Christina. I was married for 15 years and I was in a verbally abusive marriage until I couldn’t take it anymore. It got worse when I quit drinking alcohol and she kept on. I had no support from her until she moved out and things got better. Filed for divorce and been divorced for 2 years and happy now than ever before.
I was this same person with alcohol abuse! I’m 4 months today have slowely worked at mending my soul and realizing the damage I’ve done and being honest about wanting to fix it! People have been so receptive! It does get so much better best of luck 
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It will get better. It takes time. Time won fighting one day at a time.
I’m rooting for you. You got this. 
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Good morning Christina
Do working at 12 steps with a sponsor. I was able to see the wreckage of my past. And also work through the wreckage of my past to work on me one day at a time. through doing this, I was able to become the person that I never thought I could be. And start working through the problems without what I thought was a solution drinking and using drugs.. that created more problems and broke up more relationships. but now that my solution is no longer drugs or alcohol I am such a better human being, father, and loved one
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Breakups, losing those we love…absolutely sucks.
Stating the obvious, right?
I remained sober between 2014 and 2016.
Prior to relapsing.
My partner at the time…who hates booze, drinking…gave me an ultimatum.
I followed through in regards to the not drinking part.
But guess what?
Even without me, my drinking…our relationship was still toxic.
Sometimes, I get angry.
As in…
I am sober and doing my best in regards to self-care.
Why do so many dopey people roaming the planet…have partners and I do not?
But now, I’m starting to think-realize…that this standard path that so many humans follow…that is not for so many of us?
Who knows?
I don’t even know my point, here-ha ha.
I just know that losing people stinks…while right, losing our own selves is the absolute worst.
Thank you for sharing what you did with us.
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