I was making lunch earlier and I just had to laugh at myself because of how detailed I was being on what was suppose to be a quick meal for myself. I called up a friend and sarcastically joked about how I am accepting the fact that I might be a little OCD because I felt the need to place every small detail in its perfect, little, place for something I would devour in the few brief minutes following. It triggered a thought in my mind of when I was consumed in my active addiction. I would go days at a time without sleeping, eating, hydrating, and constantly dropping the ball on responsibilities I thought I was excelling at. I love serving others and helping when I can but somewhere down the line I began to put others wants and needs before my own. Slowly but surely I ignored the things that seemed so small and little by little the resentments began to grow. Everyone but me was the problem. “You get yours, why can’t I get mine?”, “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” When in reality codependency was who I served. I lacked healthy boundaries. I didn’t value myself enough to put myself first. I convinced myself that the world was telling me that I didn’t matter. I was the wrong type of “Yes” man. The unhealthy kind. In turn, “drugs will make me faster”; “ alcohol will keep the thoughts away”; “S3x will fill my emotional void and bring satisfaction of importance and mattering. I just want to be needed and loved. Deeply and compassionately as I do.”, “I just want reciprocity!!!” Oh what chaos this was to live in such desperation by my own hands. I was in denial of it all. I have worked in communications for 13 years. “What do you mean I don’t know healthy boundaries and open communication. I train people and corporate companies to do this for a living.”, “I can feel your pain rubbing all over me like a spirit. I’m empathetic.”
It’s funny when the mask comes off and we look in the mirror to our revealed true selves. The rawness. The shock. The realism. It’s a tough pill to swallow but when we receive the acceptance of our reality and are truly willing to do whatever it takes is when we find real growth and real change…and even through our past wrongs and mistakes; especially our failures, because failures bring growth; we find a better version of ourselves than we were yesterday. We just have to make the choice. Today, I choose self care. #selfcare #Imatter #youmatter #value #worth #sobriety #maintenance!
2 Likes
Good looking nachos.
1 Like
Thanks! Ultimately ended up being worth the wait! 
1 Like
They look like it! 
Thanks for your raw honest shares Q
1 Like
You are most welcome! Thank you so much for reading!
1 Like