Maybe it’s not as complicated as it feels?

Struggling Help
#1

I wrote this today. I want to stop taking drugs and smoking cigs… I mean, I think I want this. But could it be that I only think I want this because I feel that a reasonable person should want it? I consider myself a somewhat reasonable person… but am I actually?

I already know all the reasons why I should change, I am even pretty certain I know what I need to do... though I may be wrong. So, why does it feel impossible to implement these actions and change my behavior? I feel paralyzed at times. Like a part of my brain just shuts down. I become tired, I collapse. I have conflicting beliefs and desires. I suppose this could be part of the reason I am feeling so stuck. While I want to have meaningful relationships, I fear becoming trapped in another relationship where I might be unhappy. I fear being rejected and gathering further proof of my inferiority. I fear inflicting pain onto others, by becoming attached to someone, and them to me, but then feeling an overwhelming need to be free and leaving them broken hearted when they could have fallen in love with someone else who would have stayed with them and loved them the way that they deserve to be loved. I want to become healthier, but I have a deeply engrained belief that if I stop taking uppers I will gain weight because I will turn to food, similarly, if I quit smoking I will consume more food as a result and become fat and undesirable. I believe becoming fat will prevent me from achieving the love I deeply desire. I fear it will make me unattractive and I will eat my feelings and hide from the world because I am so lonely and love starved. Are these the obstacles (beliefs) that prevent people from changing? Do I truly want to change, on a subconscious level? How do I let go of my horribly painful past to make room for the beautiful life I desire? I am so fking sick of living this way. And I am completely responsible for my own misery.

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#2

You’re right. Being miserable is a choice. But do not fear what COULD be coming. It won’t get here!! Honesty-Open mindedness-Willingness. Embrace right now and do your best today!! All we have is right now!! And one day at a time a brand new world will show itself to you!!!!!!

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#3

One day at a time
One thought at a time
Our brains work overtime with all the emotions and thoughts that creep in. That is also our addictions talking, trying to make us feel inferior and cause confusion. Journaling, finding a sponsor, working the steps, and attending meetings has helped tremendously. Sending positive vibes!

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#5

I could only quit when I wanted it 100 percent. The fear of not changing became greater than the fear of changing.

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#6

Hey Lana, solid questions and approach to deciding what to do. The answer is very simple, and can be easy as well. We start with the reasons we use, and find the illusions and contradictions as well. Then we decide what we actually want to do with the real information we have gathered. Once you quit, if you choose to, get in that gym and hit it hard, make the gym sweat. Plan your diet rigorously and stick to it as you build strength, endurance, cut, whichever pursuits you take in the gym. Then, with a solid foundation of being present and accomplishing your fitness goals you will have freedom to explore your thoughts of love, relationships, friendships, family, and whatever other pursuits you choose to ponder, with a sound mind and firm foundation. Set yourself up for success, and find that love that grows you and your partner for life!

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#7

Take it slow and steady. I'm nearly 11 months sober. I still smoke cigarettes, but much less than I used to. I started taking care of my body after years of destroying it. I've lost 40 pounds and gained a lot of muscle. I feel better than I have in years and look much better. I felt lonelier and attention craved more than ever at the end of my use, now I'm so comfortable in my own skin and I only let people into my space that have a positive value, because I want them, not because I need them.

Still a long way to go, but things get better quite fast if you work it. Hope you find what you're looking for.

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#8

What an amazing, heartfelt share. Sounds like you want to be well, and you can be.

#9

You only become a victim of your past at the moment in time that YOU decide you are.
Leave the past where it sleeps. Don't frame what's ahead of you in terms of what's behind you. This will make your future limitless.

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#10

Hey man, one thing at a time. Yeah it sounds like you need this. I mean sobriety. I quit drinking 8 years ago but now I'm 35 days clean from everything and trust me I was a mess.. I'm surprised the UA cup didn't melt... But I tell yeah my mind is more clear I can see and hear things that I never have before..... I don't know if you have ever picked up a book about AA or na but I guarantee you'll find yourself in every single page and you'll start to realize some stuff. One of the things I had to do that was the hardest was being honest and loving myself. I can look in the mirror now and it won't break. Also I've learned to forget about everything in the past because you can't see what's in front of you if you're looking behind you.... Hope that helps or is something that you can relate to....

#11

So check this out. Most of us have tried everything we can think of exerted every ounce of force possible to feel the spiritual role inside of us. Nothing not drugs not control and management not s-x money property power or prestige has filled it we are powerless our lives are unmanageable at least by ourselves alone.we are in denial we will not change that fact. So we surrender we asked a higher power to take care of our will and our lives. sometimes in surrendering, we do not know that a power greater than ourselves exist which can restore us through wellness sometimes we're not sure that the god of our understanding will care for unmanageable lives. Our lack of certainty though does not affect the essential truth. We are powerless. Our lives are unmanageable we surrender only by doing so we can open ourselves wide, wide enough for our old ideas and pass wreckage to be cleaned,wide enough for a higher power to enter..

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#12

If you don’t want this they will gladly refund your misery.

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#13

I know the fear all too well, the fact is you can’t listen to the WHAT IF’s OF LIFE.

You wrote this with such a depth and passion, I could feel your pain and to me that’s a beautiful thing! Life is full of challenges if it wasn’t it wouldn’t be worth continuing on, Everything we do is a process of breaking down and building up with a new, but not just new it’s a journey of life and only you can make it happen. You know what you want clearly just not confident in yourself and fear the unknown but one day at a time you can do this and the more you reach out of your past the more you’ll find the love and support! You are doing a great job! Keep up the amazing work!

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#14

Great share Joshua. You nailed it!

#15

Start with the drugs, one thing at a time and one day at a time. Don't try to do too much.

#16

Hey Lana, there is a lot in your post. It’s great that you put it all out there but we need to break it down. First off give yourself a break for a moment, your concerns and struggles are not uncommon… this will be a long response….. I’m gonna friend request you.

#17

Dude, you are tenacious. I'll give you credit for that.

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#18

Pretty sure Chat gpt is writing on forums now

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#19

Ha. I see what you mean now but it really didn’t occur to me this gets used as a dating site. I’m here for one reason only … recovery, not to mention I live on the opposite side of the country. It was a complicated post that I had a hard time mentally breaking down. Lana, that wasn’t my intention.