I went to a therapist and psychiatrist today. It was hard for me to do because I am very frustrated with seemingly "always" being in this "healing" frame of mind.
I believe that if the trauma in my life would stop, the need for therapy, medication, and healing would stop, too. But here I am.
I live in a new state now, and I've moved so many times, bouncing back-and-forth between medicaid and employment healthcare, I've been required to change psychiatrists multiple times.
The good news is that for the first time in a long time, I was honest with my psychiatrist about my alcoholism and my addiction to the same medication I needed her to prescribe me.
This was a huge step for me because the medicine helped me in the past, and I haven't taken it for 5 months already. I even share about my addiction at AA meetings, in addition to my alcoholism on occasion.
However, I made a decision today to begin taking it again.
I can already feel my own inner judge ready to lay down the gavel.
I have never told my psychiatrist about my medication abuse in the past, especially at the same time as telling them that I am also a recovering alcoholic in the same session.
I was fearful they would reject prescribing it to me.
Now that I have 4 years alcohol-free, I don't have the secret urge in the back of my mind to abuse the medication, and I want to actually stop my past addict behavior with it.
The way I did it is by telling her that I was holding myself accountable to her if I overtake it and that if I do overtake it, I will talk to her about it.
This means that if I want to be able to take a medication that helps me and that I was also addicted to in the past, then i HAVE to take it properly.
The "have to" comes in because I am in alcoholics anonymous.
AA is a program of rigorous honesty. AA teaches that lying and deceit can cause relapse, and being honest with ourselves and others is a crucial part of recovery.
I also shared with her a problem I've been dealing with for the past 8 years - auditory hallucinations, confusion, memory and cognitive issues, which I have also not revealed to my past psychiatrists because some have told me my symptoms were due to my medication, which could have been true considering I abused the medication, but I would have never disclosed that information to them because I didn't want them to not prescribe it to me.
I did rehearse a little about the way I was going to tell her because of my prior addict lifestyle, that fear-based / manipulative persona that became accustomed to hiding my intentions - which I no longer am that person nor do I want to be that person.
I got real with her and myself (which was extra scary), and I explained to her I thought it could be wet brain, aka wernickes- korskaff psychosis.
I have several of the symptoms, and I asked her to prescribe me a thiamine B1 supplement. She said she wanted me to have bloodwork first at Labcorp. This would have normally frustrated me in the past because I wanted to take care of it right away...and also because more than one doctor in my medical past has put my health in danger by doing the wrong thing.
I felt like I could trust her more as a professional when I was able to be honest with her about my health concerns, my addiction, and my medical history.
She was reasonable and treated me with respect. I felt there was no bias clouding her judgment about my alcoholism or even my addiction to the same medicine I was asking her to prescribe.
She also suggested an antidepressant and I was able to tell her honestly my fear of dependency, side effects, withdrawal, and weight gain from it.
She even revealed that she was on an antidepressant herself because she faced 2 tragic deaths in her family - all within a short period of time. She also revealed she had her struggles with alcoholism following these deaths as well. This made me feel she understands how trauma can cause these behaviors and mental issues and that I was NOT maladjusted or a failure / loser for needing medication as an aid.
It is ironic that I was a heavy drinker and addicted to drugs in the past, and constantly putting my health and life in danger - and now I am cautious about my dependency on a new drug.
This is one of the ways I have changed in recovery. It is a healthier perspective.
The truth is I don't want to have to be on any drug to feel happy, productive, and successful in life.
Somedays, I wish I was sober my whole life because I wonder if my intelligence / memory / cognition / and overall mind, brain, body, and spirit would be totally in tune with the world around me at all times. This would be miraculous.
Sometimes, I feel like it is taking me too long to get there, and I don't know if I ever will because I have already tainted myself with alcohol and drugs for so long.
I don't want this to feel like a step backward. There is a part of me that still does feel this way because I really want to be full and authentic ME without any substances affecting who or HOW I am.
I have also heard in AA meetings that if I am taking a medication that I had addiction problems with, then that means I am not sober.
Also, AA is about complete abstinence from alcohol, and there is my self-doubt that if I couldn't do it with alcohol, how am I going to do it with this?
It's challenging because the medication really does work well, and that scares me because that is how all of my addiction problems started to begin with. When something works well + feels good, then I want more of it.
In fact, now that I am writing this, I am going to call and ask my doctor tomorrow if this medication is a crutch until I am over this hurdle or if it actually re-ups chemicals that depleted.
It would make me feel safe knowing it was not only helping me in the present moment but also aiding my long-term recovery without long-term needed dependency on it.
I am holding myself accountable on here by telling you all about it.
