I'm struggling with a couple of things that I cannot change, even a little.
It's going to be okay. I know this. I know that I do not have to use to be okay.
My biggest struggle is my self-recrimination for the pain my sons feel, of all things. I just keep smashing this noggin of mine against the walls of things that I cannot change.
I'm both hurting over my lost relationship and feeling the pain my sons are going through and it brings me to dangerous places.
I know that I'm not alone, but it feels so overwhelming at times.
I also know that I'm channeling my own lonely childhood that lacked love and acceptance and feeling what my boys must have felt when we were separated. It's harsh. It makes it hard for me to breathe.
It affects them to the day. I see it in their loneliness and failed relationships. I feel it in how closed off they are and how they won't talk about their feelings.
I see it. I feel it. Sometimes I want to not live over it, but I also know that's not the answer. That would only bring them more pain.
The lost relationship is also an impossible. I miss so many things about them and yet I remember all of the pain that the relationship brought to both of us. I know there's zero going back. I even dreamed recently that we were back together (again) and awoke in a panic. That $*** just didn't work no matter how much we both wanted it to. That's so hard to let go of. Both issues are.
Anyway, it's got me awake and dampening my pillow with my pain.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks for your feedback, Taylor 
I put my ex and my ex thru a lot of stress, give yourself a break, my kids, not a word for years.
I go to meetings.
I help others.
Thank you, Kevin. I need to turn my kids over to the care of something greater than myself. I can't bear the weight of the pain we've all endured and I've no power other than to love them and be a better example than I have been in years gone by.
Helping people helps me live a life worth living 
You are not alone. I have walked in your shoes. I understand. Wishing you happiness always.
How much I feel exactly what you are going through. Losing a relationship with the person I’ve loved for so long, seeing the hurt in my 2 kids. Staying clean through it. It’s hard but I know I’m a better person today. Sharing helps me get through it and understand I’m not who I was during my addiction, I can be who I’m supposed to be now.
Thank you 
That is so very true, Richard. In grateful that you are able to see that today. I knew that the same is true for me.