More proud of these 100 days than my previous 4 years. This relapse was the first time I've ever been to treatment and really learned something about why I do the things I do and how to work on preventing it and working to change. I've always gotten sober in jail because I was being threatened with prison or actually being sentenced to prison. I always knew something was wrong and I wasn't some morally deficient piece of 
. I was def shaped by my surrounding from childhood and things that happened to me or that I saw but I am an adult now and no longer have the luxury of blaming my actions and reactions on that. I'm grown enough to make changes and respond properly to situations but it takes a lot of guidance from friends in recovery to point out things I need to change in me. That's why the action steps are so important. They help me see how jacked up my thinking and behavior is. It takes time and I can't beat myself up when I slip into old behavior or react poorly to a situation, I need to acknowledge and give myself a little credit that I actually care now how I react and am making an effort to correct it. I've been trained my whole life to run, hide, cover up and get defensive so how can I expect all of those behaviors to change completely over night. They won't, it is a life long process. I heard once that we stop growing mentally and emotionally when we start using and drinking heavily because instead of learning from hardships and adversity we run and hide from the lesson we should be learning. That's why we act like children half the time. We have the mentality of a child because most of us started using and drinking in our late childhood. Crazy right?! I will say that I am grateful to be an addict, we are blessed...hear me out...most people love their whole lives being pieces of or just having poor behaviors, thinking and attitudes but will never change them because they see nothing wrong with it. We have our disease that makes it very clear. So really it is our disease that helps us want to change! I hope this helps someone today. Much love and try not to be so hard on yourself. Together we've got this. No matter what, don't pick up!
2 Likes