I grew up being ridiculed at home and at school for being different. I’ve also been abandoned more times than I can recall. It’s been that way my whole life. Hating myself is a way of life that no matter how hard I try I can’t change something that’s so deeply ingrained over such a long period of time. But, my saving grace was my two soulmates. They both have now passed. I have never felt this alone. I’ve been bad with alcohol before but I could take it or leave it and now I don’t want to leave it anymore. I’m so alone, so lost and in so much pain. I feel like I’m just counting the days.
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Don’t waste your time looking behind you, your not going that way. Have you been involved in a program of recovery? Been in therapy? On meds or mood stabilizers? Change can happen…. You need to put the work in. We all have been in a similar position as you. Right now you are the most important person. My first few meetings in AA, I had a guy tell me “just keep coming back, we all have enough love for you, until you learn to love yourself” you can live with a clean soul and peace if you want it.
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Eric, you have a community here that welcomes you. You have made your first move towards recovery just by getting on this site. You are worthy of acceptance. Make the decision that TODAY I WILL NOT DRINK/USE. Reach out and share
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Thank you for taking the time respond. I haven’t been in a recovery program. I tried not long ago, but after much effort, my insurance wouldn’t approve. I did go to AA zoom meetings for a week but tbh I felt worse after. I’ve been in therapy and meds. Unfortunately I seem to be very prone to the side effects of antidepressants. My old therapist had to leave so I’m still trying to find a new one. I’ve lost pretty much all my friends so I don’t have much to fight for.
Thank you for your response.
I felt the same about zoom aa meetings! I drank right after I closed the meeting. Going in person is a whole different feel and helps so much with the loneliness. It’s honestly one of the most amazingly welcoming groups. I’ve dealt with depression for a long time and definitely get outside help but AA steps and the fellowship has changed everything for me. It’s hard to put yourself out there sometimes but for me the effort was so so worth it. You are not alone!
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I had an insurance issue as well then I called American Addiction Center and they did all the leg work for me and found me a place I got out in May this year and I’m so grateful. Don’t give up there’s hope and help out there.
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Hey man i get it. But all I read was excuses. We all get beat down when starting this journey, that’s why most of us start it, we hit the bottom. Alyssa said in person AA is a whole different thing and she is 100% spot on. You will only get out what you put in to your recovery. I truly hope you find the peace and serenity you deserve.
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Sorry. You’re right. I get that a lot. I feel bad because I don’t want to waste peoples’ time.
This isn’t a waste! You deserve to be free from the demon holding you back, just gotta fight and want it. We got your back man.
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It’s time to get some help and some work on learning to live and accept yourself. AA is a great place to get started, and it’s free! We all have our insecurities, and feel some loneliness. A good percentage of posts on here are about loneliness, anxiety, and depression. You are definitely not alone. Your perception of yourself is very negative. This “tape” that is playing in your head has been playing since your childhood. This is the yes in which you view the world. It’s time you rewire your thinking and change the tape. It’s a process my friend. Your perception is F’d up. Reality is you are ok. Take some of the suggestion given up above and get to work. In the end you will find that you are ok and you are enough just the way you are.
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We all got ridiculed for something in school. I was ridiculed for my weight, by kids who never knew I was binge eating as a way to keep my grandfather off me (he didn’t like fat girls and after he did it to me the first time, I decided packing on the pounds was the only way to keep him off me). I’ve been stood up, spent birthdays alone, and felt unloved and unlovable.
And all the scotch in the world didn’t help that.
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Eric, going in person hits on a whole different level. My biggest growth from the program has been "the meeting after the meeting" on the porch. It's also sparked my deepest friendships in the program. I totally relate to med side effects. Being honest to myself about my feelings, sharing them with others, and going back to being physically active have been SO instrumental and positive for my mental health, without the need for meds.
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The meeting after the meeting…yesssssss
Thanks for taking the time to reply Andrew.
When I started going to meetings, I would force myself to get all dressed up and slather on a full face of makeup and wear heels. All so other people would think I had my 
together. And y’know what? Nobody there had their together. I saw people who lived on the street and smelled ripe, I saw people who had no teeth, and little by little, I realized I didn’t need to put up a façade for those people. I could show up in sweats and admit that my life was falling apart. And that was LIBERATING.
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Ah yes. The manifested self hatred rears its head often my friend. Disavow that voice though. You're here for a purpose. You've lived through too much. You've lost too much. You've stuck it out despite all the nasty things you have felt about yourself. All the abandonment, ridicule. You've endured it. Was it necessary? No. It never is. But the world is full of cruel people, and yet - here you still are. Alive another day to endure. To discover. It would be a shame to be so close to the revelation of what you've been enduring all of this for, only to have it stolen from you when it was within reach. Don't quit. Not now. Realize that coincidence isn't real. And that you're here for something bigger than yourself. Your pain may have been avoidable - and the fire we walk through in life is never comfortable. But things forged in fire are built to be strong. So stay where you are and just pause for a moment. Regroup and then keep right on marching. Shut those voices up in your mind. Those demons don't ever leave. They love to remind us of how worthless we are. How insignificant this all is. But it's a lie, bro. All of it. Those voices are fueled by the weight of the world that hates to see good prevail. Don't fold. Not now. The time for quitting and giving up was a long time ago. And you didn't. That's why you're still here. And that's why you're not only present, but still very much still in this fight. Re-engage and commit yourself to winning. Us drunks and addicts are a stubborn bunch. But all the winners I've ever met in life were stubborn too. So all they know how to do is win. But they also know when to surrender to things they can't beat. Knowing the difference is important. Now get back out there and serve a purpose today. As the navy seals say.. "the only easy day was yesterday". The human experience isn't for the faint of heart. But here you are. Still in it. Go make something big happen today buddy and stay in that fight.
Hey Eric. You’re not alone in spirit. Physically, right now, you might be. I relate to what you shared. Just keep sharing. Whether it be here, on zoom or in person. Don’t stop sharing. People will relate. Sharing is part of the key in recovery. It’s important to let the pain out. If I don’t share about my pain, experiences, doubts, sadness or anger, it eats me up inside and I take it out on myself even more. Just keep sharing. Baby steps. Let it be here for now if that’s the first step.