I’ve been struggling with “motherhood” lately, so I have two daughters ages 11 and 13 years old. I get them every other weekend, I look forward to picking them up on Fridays, however I start dreading taking them back home on Sunday before the day even arrives. When I drop them off I feel this overwhelming feeling of loneliness, and sadness come over me. I second guess the whole weekend such as if they had a good time, what things I should have done, and said differently. I can’t even go into their room for a few days after them being gone. When I asked my attorney about pushing for full custody, I was told I would have to prove the father isn’t fit. How can I prove this? When he has had full custody of them since 4 and 2 years old, and has provided a stable home for them when I couldn’t. I feel discouraged, lonely, hatred toward myself and so many more feelings that I’m trying to process and deal with being sober and clean. Will these feelings ever go away? Will I ever be able to fully forgive myself for being a shitty mother when I was in my addiction? I don’t know how else to handle this other than posting on here, and getting other peoples perspective and outlook on this issue because I struggle with being a mother and not having my daughters with me full time.
I feel your pain Ashley. I struggle with feelings of guilt and shame drinking and using while my girls were young. Now they are 11 and 14 and with their dad full time and it’s the hardest thing in the world I know. Do your daughters have phones? Can you text and face time or call? That helps, but I know it’s not the same. Meetings and coming to acceptance and focusing on improving my life, knowing they will be around the rest of my life 
has been the only solution that’s helping me get through. I’m getting myself to meetings everyday(usually on zoom, but hey), and planning to go back to school so I can provide for their college and vehicles more. Pray and work the steps and good things will happen in Gods time (which is so hard sometimes, cuz I want it all in Amanda’s time like right now dammit)
Have you tried to talk to the dad about getting more time? Maybe a few days a week, or every weekend? Perhaps 50/50 custody?
Having daughters myself and as a man, I can say at their age they NEED a mom in their life. There is no way I could do it on my own.
The feelings of guilt, sadness, and the wrongs of the past will get easier with time. Just keep doing the right thing and don’t pick up. Show those kids you want to do right by them. Be honest, and open with them. I hope you feel better and find the peace you deserve.
When we become parents we sign up for full time. As a divorced parent I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s tough. Especially the holidays for me. Although I have mine 50/50 it doesn’t make it any easier. Continue with your sobriety and prove that you should have your kids more!!
The feeling WILL go away. I assure you they will. Being sober, whether I see my kids next week or next month ensures I will have the highest quality of time with them as I could possibly have. I don't know how I ever got drunk/high in the 1st place. Granted relapse was.less tha. A year ago and there are times it is still extremely hard but for today that is how I feel and I intend to do all that it takes and then some to never again loose.sight of this. Not even for a moment. In a moment ot cam all disappear, sober or not.
Prayers and in time it will happen
Breathe 
Focus on the present moment
Dont dwell on the past
That guilt will consume you if you let it.
You have the rest of your lives with your girls as long as you stay doing the next right thing,
Maybe journaling will help. Write them letters how you feel. Even if you dont give it to them. Mind dump is what I call it.
Congratulations on your sobriety! Every day you stay sober is a blessing for both you and your daughters. At 11 and 13 years old, your daughters are old enough to talk have an open and honest conversation about your past, and the consequences of addiction. As Tim suggested, maybe you can have a talk with your ex about this. Maybe you can thank him for stepping up when needed, and express that it might be best for all if you have a little more presence in their life. Regardless of the outcome, I agree with the other responses about forgiving yourself. Please work on that. You are not that same person, and you deserve to move on. Your daughters would want this for you
Full custody isn't logical. If you can provide a stable home, you could have split custody. There are a lot of things that we wish we did differently during our time in compulsion. It will seem like a distant life in the future.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with all that but thank God you’re sober today. And each day stay sober we get a little bit stronger for any emotional upset comes along. I so feel for you. I’m in opposite time position than you in that I have full
Physical custody of my 3 girls (ages 17, 15, & 10) and have since 2015, and their mom has them every other Friday night and just that one night without them is sometimes so difficult. I’ll pray for you to accept all as it is right now with the knowledge that if we stay sober slowly but surely things get better and better. Your girls are blessed to have a sober mom and the past is gone- like I told my ex when went thru our stuff, never a shitty mom rather a great mom who (like me) did some “shitty” things sometimes. Now that we’re sober we can be great parents and when do the occasional “shitty” thing we can apologize and try to be better next time. Hang in there, sober, one day at a time.
I don’t know how to respond without sounding like an a$$hole. But here goes.
What if what you want isn’t what’s best for your girls? You said yourself that their dad has provided safety and security for 9 years when you were unable. Are you grateful for the safety and security they have at their dads house? Are you resentful that you don’t see them enough? Are you a victim of your ex trying to hurt you, or was he trying to help his children?
It is never that black and white. I know that. But in addiction it is too easy to let self-centeredness, resentments and playing the victim tule your life. If you put that effort into your recovery. If you work your program to the best of your ability, dreams do come true. You can make positive changes in yourself that will remove the barriers that have kept your kids at a distance. Sobriety is the obvious and huge first step. Keep on going!!
Hi Amanda. Thank you for responding. I really do appreciate it. I bought them a phone in the last, however they wasn’t responsible with having one so I ended up taking the phone away. I do FaceTime them on their dads phone when they call me Monday, Wednesday and Friday because it’s court ordered they call me. I need to accept the situation, doesn’t mean I’m okay with it. Like you, I want things to happen on my time and in Gods world it doesn’t happen like that. Thank you for your kind words. It truly means a lot.
I’ve tried talking to him about things, but he wants everything done Court ordered so I would have to go back and have things changed legally. I’m glad to hear these feelings will get easier with time. Opening up and talking about them has definitely helped me accept the situation. Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate it.
Thank you Adam! In the past I’ve always hated holidays. Now I’m sober and clean, I actually get to see and spend time with my daughters on certain holidays, or have a phone call. Totally means the world to me now. Like you said I need to continue my sobriety and make positive changes. Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.
Thank you Josh! Like you said intending to do all that it takes to not loose sight of this. I needed to hear that! 
You’re very welcome!! You have one life to live….. make the best of it!!
Thank you, Charlie!
Hi! Thank you for the wonderful advice. So I use to journal years ago, and stopped. I need to stay focused and in the moment. Stop dwelling and overthinking all the negative stuff. Thank you for your input. It’s greatly appreciated!! I really like the writing letters. I’ll give that a try
Thank you! I appreciate that. I really needed to hear your response. Hit home for me. I do need to work on a lot of things within.
You’re completely right. I need to just accept it. Thank you for your feedback!