June 2023
Dear Addiction,
There is a saying that the hardest thing to do in life is to say goodbye. However, I have come to realize the impermanence of everything in life, this includes people, places, things, and even you. We have been through a lot together. At times I thought you were all I could Count on, all I had. We started off with plenty of happy moments, like the first time I experienced the euphoric release of care and concern you provided. There came a point where I thought I would never have to part with you; that you were my soulmate-apart of my identity. I never thought you would turn on me so drastically and become my nemesis. The time has come where I set aside the “good times,” as they seem to be happening less and less. It’s is time to say goodbye.
When you first came into my life at 15, I believed that you would help me ease all the pain I was going through. I believed you could make being at boarding school and away from home feel less lonely. I thought that my traumatic childhood experiences would disappear because you gave me a sense of well-being. Additionally, I trusted you to ease many of the struggles of my present. Such as my favorite persons Suicide and the loss of motherhood. I believed that the more I poured into you, the less I would have to worry about life and my inadequacies. For a while, everything seemed fine. We had a great relationship and you did exactly that. I poured into you and I got nothing. However, in the end, you were why I was kicked out of boarding school, making me feel more alone than ever. The sense of well-being you seemed to be providing was only an illusion. Lastly, you prolonged the pain and suffering cause by the immense loss I was feeling-giving me a false sense that I was “dealing” with everything. More over, you you lead me down a road that tricked me into thinking I needed you.
Eventually, Things started to change. You became the hardest relationship I have ever had to experience. You started to take more than you gave. In fact, you stopped giving at all. You took almost everything away from me. You took away my job. You took away my family members. You took away my friends. Eventually, you took everything away from me. You told me that as long as I let you control everything in my life, everything would be okay. Oh, how wrong I was. It has become clear that everything is not okay. In order for things to get better, I need to let you go.
You have become incredibly cruel. You are a tremendous liar. You are the best thief. Oh, you are an evil master. There were plenty of times when I believed things were starting to look up. I was starting to crawl away from your evil clutches. It turns out that you are also vindictive, as you did everything in your power to pull me right back in. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get away from you. All I wanted to do was make changes in my life that would be for the better. I wanted to become a better person. There was even a part of me that believed I could become a better person with you. Sadly, you are unwilling to concede. You constantly blocked me from doing any of the things I wanted to do. In that sense, you quickly became my worst nightmare. Because of you, I ended up doing things that I never in a million years thought I would be capable of doing. You turned me into what I hated more than anything else. You robbed me of my independence, my childhood and freedom. You have changed me.
As a result, I know I have to leave you. I have tried to leave you in the past; however, every time I try to leave you behind, you simply come back stronger than ever before. I realized that the only way I could be able to leave you would be if I hit rock bottom first. The irony of that is my rock bottom was the day I picked you up and I watched you dig my grave from that day, unaware of what you were doing. Then, you decided to push me into that grave. You began to cover me up. You thought that you would be able to get rid of me. No. That will never happen. You have taken far too many good people from me, Eric, Chloe, Brendan, LC, Charlie, Stewart, Jordan, aunt Mar…the list could go on. I will not let you take me too-I will not be another one of your statistics, I will not give you that satisfaction.
Without you, I am stronger. Without you, I am accomplishing more. Without you, I am returning to the life and people I once loved because I know they still love me. Without you I am finding my purpose. Without you I am finding my passion and joy. To my addiction, this is goodbye. I am stepping over you and moving forward without you.
Sincerely,
Lucy K. Phillips 
