My friend had a miscarriage

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#1

I have a friend who miscarried and is ready to drink. She has been sober 5 months. Nothing I say is motivating her to not drink.

#2

You can only do so much.. :frowning: you sound like a great friend I'm sure she is hearing you… hopefully she comes around to make the right decision for herself. So sorry for her loss.

#3

Miscarriages are common. My wife had one, my sister had two, and I know a few other women that had one (or more) too. Some research shows that nearly one million miscarriages occur in the U.S. each year. Other research shows that 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.

Of course, these stats won't make your friend feel better, but understanding how common miscarriages are may help relieve her suffering. Most women think it's an incredibly rare event, so when it happens to them they feel very isolated and they will look to themselves and think they must've done something wrong. This can lead to guilt, shame, sadness, depression, etc.

So, here's what I believe would be helpful for your friend to understand:

  1. Miscarriages are common.

  2. There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

  3. It's her responsibility to choose an empowering interpretation that moves her life forward rather than leaving her feeling alone, helpless, and miserable.

For example, instead of choosing a negative interpretation such as: 1) "I'll never be able to carry a child full-term because I'm genetically defective." or 2) "I'm being punished for all the abortions of my friends and family.", it would be wise for her to embrace a positive interpretation such as 1) "This is a practice run for my body, preparing the way for the baby I will love and nurture." or 2) "This confirms that my desire to have a baby is real. I no longer feel any ambivalence." or 3) "The pain of loss and separation gave me experience that will help me be a better mother."

Nothing has meaning other than the meaning we give it. Every event provides an opportunity to learn, grow, change, and explore. So, as her friend, you can try to help her understand these things, or you can simply provide emotional support. I prayed for peace and understanding for your friend during this difficult time and I'm confident this experience will make her more grateful, loving, and resilient. If you want to talk about this more, just let me know. I'm always happy to help.

#5

Wow Kevin, that was beautifully written.

#6

Thanks Kevin.

You're an amazing person.