After Crohn’s disease would not allow my digestive system to process alcohol, (believe me, I tried) I swapped alcohol for pain pills. For me, it was the same thing, just a different drug. Almost 19 yrs went by before I went into recovery.
Today I found some old medical records from my old life that show just how much trouble I was in. I was having psychosis from both the pills and the withdrawal of the pills. I was violent and had security called to try to control a 100 pound crazy lady. Worst of all, I wasn’t happy with life and I didn’t like myself, if you get my meaning. .. 8 times, until one day I stepped into a meeting..10-17-2017 in complete desperation. I was welcomed with such love it was extraordinary. I’ll never forget when someone said to me, “we are going to love you until you love yourself”. Can you imagine? Hearing that hit me so hard. It was what kept me coming back and those beautiful promises. I read through all the “A” books and in one of them the line,..”Surrender means not having to fight anymore” jumped out, and wow that made so much sense! I was just so tired of fighting everyday to get that next drink or pill, fighting to hide my pain, fighting to hide my shame, and on and on.. I was drowning and I just wanted to breathe, I wanted to live, finally, and I wanted something else, someone else that could take this pain away and help me. I surrendered. It wasn’t easy, at first, I had more health problems to deal with like stage 2 colon cancer during Covid. So I relapsed, and I survived. Today I have 2 years, 2 months sober & clean. Those records reminded me today just how bad it was, and it was. I don’t ever want to go back there. I should not be ashamed of where I came from because it just shows me who I am, and how far I’ve come. I should frame my records… maybe, maybe not. Hah
thanks for reading my ramble. 
