Today I am grateful for my journey. I’ve been fighting the demons thirty-eight years today. My life is completely different than it’s ever been on any of the previous yearly reminders that I am in fact getting older and not younger. This is my first birthday as a high school graduate. The first birthday as a college student. The first birthday I’ve ever been on a Presidents list for ant thing, my first birthday without a car. My first birthday without anyone toxic sitting beside me. I’m the most toxic thing around and I’m only toxic because the rules say so. Not my life .. i changed my entire life on meth. so what’s the big deal if I smoke it or not? I mean presidents list? Single mom? Bottom of the barrel no section 8 or 10 or 12 or whatever else sections some of them survive their entire lives on. I didn’t loose my sh’t. I didn’t go nuts and act ignorant on the nights I ran out .. I never caught a case or robbed someone for it. It’s never negatively affected my life and if anything it’s helped me. I’ll take smoking meth any day over hanging out with some narcissistic pig that’s going to do more damage then the meth would that’s for sure. Why are people allowed to go around destroying people but they get away with it. Why can a man use me for two years and I save his life stepped up, cleaned up his mess, dropped him off safely at rehab. Only for him to turn around and tell me to go die already? Why isn’t he charged with murder or something? My daughter almost lost a mom bc of that guy and it’s perfectly okay. I almost died and I had 25 people telling me hurry up or stay strong or get well soon. My people used the challenge words and God saved me again. But why is it okay that any of them denied me? Why is it okay for a man to destroy a woman and listen to her cries even sneaking back and forth here and there just to keep me hanging on .. and then tell me to hurry up. As he sits in rehab for the fourth time while I’ve never had the luxury to check out and to take a mini vacation while someone else pays my bills and goes to work for me and takes care of my child for me. I want I break up too. I want help too .. but we all have wants right? I’m not looking for another fix, I’m actually looking for a solution but I’m not needy enough or broken enough to be seen. My childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and total nightmare that I went through is okay bc I don’t have the choice to let it get me..even now. I want treatment I want to get sober but a month later after starting all this I’m still falling and I’m still using .. idk .. I’m grateful for the end of all this bc I know it has to end better than I ever imagine.
Stay strong you are the priority
Sorry to hear. 1st step is to stop using as hard as it seems.
Stay strong. I went through similar situations with my ex 2 years ago. And look at me now. I feel a lot better. Not where I want to be yet but better than before. Yes I do still struggle but that’s normal. I struggle hard sometimes but then I see stuff like this and I only want to try and help. Why because helping helps me
You have to decide when enough is enough. I know that may sound lame. In the end only you can do it. Unfortunately or fortunately. I’m sorry you struggle. My son struggled and now he’s dead. That’s your choice really. Either do the work and be good to yourself or eventually it will consume you and everyone you love. Be honest and ask yourself. Are you worth a better life. I say yes!
I wish I had a problem with drugs.. that’s what’s lame about all this. People yell mental health like it means the same for everyone. I’m not sitting here crying bc I have a drug problem controlling my life. I have a lifetime full of abuse, neglect, and trauma to last anyone a lifetime. I watched adults turn my brother into what he is now bc he tried to save me and tell everyone but because the adults always win unless physically abused my brother was made out to be a liar and thrown into a home and now he’s a jail rat. He has mental issues they say and he even gets about 2k from the state every month because of this .. they don’t make sure he goes to a psych doctor, they don’t make sure he’s on meds, there’s no one making sure he takes a bath or eats.. but he sure does have someone handing him 2k worth of free drug money every month but doesn’t take the first pill. He should yes but who’s there to make his grown self? He’s one of the regulars that everyone knows when he gets to jail. It’s like a family reunion. Kinda liek my girlfriend who’s a regular at the local rehab. Repeat offender as I use to joke about. Minus the part where it’s not a joke. I just went two days without getting high.. didn’t flip out, didn’t harm anyone or myself I got behind because all I did was sleep to avoid crying and feeling like a germ. Why? Bc I’m sober? Nah probably becuse of the two men out there living their lives while I struggle to breath bc of them. Maybe becuse I’m a single mom and this is hard. Where’s my 2k a month for what I got handed as a child? Where’s my daughters back up from the state that refuses to let her mom have an abortion because it’s wrong.. but me working doing everything I can and still falling short at the end of the day is okay. I didn’t get pregnant alone but I get to be the one that provides and the one that messes them up at the same time. If we got half of that 2k a month to
Make up for the absent parent maybe my daughter would have even more than she does not, not that that’s even possible bc I made a way without daddy or anyone else. Why can’t anyone else in my situation? Why is everyone else handed pills and a get out of jail soon card when people like me are handed nothing but a bunch of judge mental addicts that cry over much less.. addiction is a choice.. just like you said.. so if it’s a choice why do we make such a big deal about it? Why are people rewarded for being addicts and not punished like anyone else that screws up? How can a person like me go thru what I did and be expected to just get it right? Just there! Go be perfect as you sit and watch the others do nothing bc they have problems.. where’s the sizing charts? Where’s the your pain is more significant than anyone else’s? I’m where I am bc I don’t fit the mold and I was looking for somewhere to belong. Likeminded people that actually understand what mental health and addiction can mean. I could go on and on but there’s no point. I have posted some pretty real stuff and the only thing anyone has done is respond with something we have all heard a hundred times. No one is reaching out to me and helping me find my way I’m getting picked apart and judged bc I’m actually honest about my life. I was fine and mentally okay if that’s what you want to call it .. someone intentionally came in and broke all that. Someone whose last been thru this system his entire life. Someone that gets to blame a substance on his poor choices over and over again. Becuse he has that luxury!!! He acts like he does bc people have made it okay for him to be “messed up” so he bounces from one weakling to the next and never being held responsible for the life he ruined on purpose..I took care of him bc I had no one else and he did but they weren’t dealing with his stuff so he used me until his family called and missed their baby .. then he for no reason tossed me out and ran back to his family and completely abandoned me. Two years he played with my emotions and preyed off my downfalls. When he abandoned me at my age after everything I’ve been thru he broke something inside of me.. Dr. Peterson calls it malevolence .. it’s a real thing. Problem is I don’t have support spoon feeding my needs. And I don’t have real adults that care about more than what’s in front of them. I don’t have the luxury of sitting around and blaming my life on someone else . I get stuff like him telling me to get over it as he sits in someone else’s house letting them pay the bills. We aren’t all the same and we aren’t all throwing a fit . Some of us are lost and looking for a real person.. but aren’t being heard bc we just gotta do it already.. which it? Ask yourself which it are you advising I just get over? The mental one? The drug one? Or the part about wanting my life to matter like everyone else’s? Nice chat