My recovery story so far- Advice appreciated

Struggling Help
#1

I've been married for 16 years, and an alcoholic for at least the last 10 of them. This has been my first time in rehab, or getting any help with sobriety, really. I'm 34 days sober today and feel great physically.

What doesn't feel great, however, is that one week into it, after being on my a$$ for years to find treatment, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was heartbroken, and asked for time to show her that I was finally taking it seriously and getting better. I thought she agreed to give me that. I stuck with the program.

The following week she told me that she had changed the locks on our house and filed for a restraining order. (We've had our problems, but domestic abuse has never been one) I was hurt, humiliated, and upset, but told her I would give her all the space she needed, and we continued to text from time to time. I still stuck with the program.

Now I'm in outpatient treatment. Yesterday I drove 5 hours from Dallas to Little Rock to move out of our house, as provided for in the restraining order, with law enforcement present. She had moved everything into the garage and locked herself in the house. I had hoped to see her again, if only for a moment. I didn't even get to see my dog. I was served the divorce and restraining order paperwork while there, and told I could no longer legally contact her in any way. It was a long, sad, rainy drive back, but I told myself I would continue to stick with the program.

I'm not the victim here. She put up with the effects of my disease for years, suffering while I was living it up with my two best friends: her and the bottle. I had so long to choose to get help, but I always talked myself out of it. It seems like such cruel irony that when I finally reached that point, it became her opportunity to break it off.

Sorry for the length of this post, but I'm pretty awkward verbally when trying to share. I love that woman with all of my being. 16 years is a long time, but I was hoping for forever. I'm so full of grief that I can barely hold it together. I don't know how I've made it this long. She took a huge part of my sober support with her when she left me. Not only do I have to fight my addiction, but I have to do it while starting over with nothing but a gaping hole in my heart.

I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone else gone through recovery that started this way? Are you still? How? Any advice or encouragement would be really appreciated, just please don't tell me that "I've gotta do this for me." It's true, and I am, but I've heard it so many times here that I might just snap.

Thank you for listening

7 Likes
#2

Matthan, I’m sorry for what you are going through and thanks for sharing. Being heartbroken and dealing with the struggles of recovery is incredibly difficult. I lost my wife as well because I refused to get help in time. This was 10 years ago. Go to meetings, get help, cry when you have to. Deal with it one day at a time. Its going to be overwhelming, but drinking is going to make it a lot worse. Believe me. Perhaps she thought you were strong enough to deal with it now, I really couldn’t say. I never saw my ex-wife again after the divorce although we do email once a year. The guilt is real and all I can say is get help sooner rather than later. Therapy, meetings, self reflection and meditation. I’m going to send you friend request so we can chat anytime you want if that interests you. Just one day at a time. Time will pass and it will get better. Be proud of what you are doing now, a lot of time we think we got help and we avoided the consequences but we didn’t and it seems like what was the point. The point is to get the help, to work on the future. To be better for ourselves moving forward. And work on and fix the relationships we can. Sorry for the lengthy reply but this hit home. Good luck and God bless.

6 Likes
#3

Hello Matthan. I’m sorry for what you are going through. I know the pain you’re going through because I experienced the same heartbreak when my marriage ended. All I can tell you is this ; allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel for however long you need to feel it . Now is the time to reach out to your network of friends . Go to meetings and cry things out if you need to. Find new activities that bring you peace . You could take on painting or fishing . Maybe even surfing too. You will get through this . Just take it one day at a time and don’t rush.

4 Likes
#4

My sobriety journey started with divorce too. My story is quite different because I wanted the divorce but regardless it’s hard to have so much change going on at one time. My advice would be to throw yourself into a recovery program whole heartedly . You will find a lot of open arms and support there! You will get through this . It will be a lot if hard work but worth it in the end.

2 Likes
#5

The hard work is real and really rewarding! I am doing it alone too and am now seeing the benefits to that. My husband was “the love of my life” I realized many of his really great qualities were invented by me as a way to cope. The alcohol enabled all of his addictions. He had a totally separate life without me knowing… I blame myself for choosing to isolate with alcohol rather than face the reality of the situation. I am seeing more and more proof (we still have a youngster age 14) proof that I am way better off starting this sober life without a spouse watching me do it. Just those while aren’t toxic and my Dharma groups. Yay, sobriety!

1 Like
#6

Thank you for the responses. I know I'll get over it and that staying sober is the only way to go, it was just one of those bad times when all I could do was put one foot in front of the other with no identifiable hope. I really appreciate the encouragement

1 Like
#7

What a great share Matthan….. I don’t have advice on the break up but I do hope you find the strength to keep fixing yourself even if it’s alone.

1 Like
#8

So sorry for your lose? I just separated from my wife and life that I had for 25 years? Addiction is a killer in many ways and you the ability to see what you are losing? I'm awkward in social settings myself but I'm also trying to be the best me I can be? Gotta get back to work, stay safe and don't fall off?

1 Like
#9

One foot in front of the other is all you can do. Today is the day to make decisions which will lead to the best version of yourself.

1 Like
#10

Matthan

Thanks for sharing. It can really be tough When we make the choice to get sober. After we have been sober for a while our head says (SOBER) SON OF A BIT--
EVERYTHINGS REAL!

You obviously must have hurt your wife to one degree or another which is pretty normal for us alcoholics. It's going to take some time to clean up the wreckage of your past and build trust with your wife.

You're not divorced yet, so don't give up hope. If you want a solution that has worked for millions of people I suggest you start getting yourself to AA meetings everyday.
Go to at least 90 meetings in 90 days. Get yourself a sponsor and start going through the steps.

Don't place any expectations on your life, your wife or your marriage. If you give time, time, she may very well see a different you . But trust really does take time. We didn't get this way overnight and we're not going to get better overnight. I've heard it said that it's 10 miles Into the woods and 10 miles back out.

Also, The one who wants to see you stay married more than anyone in the whole universe is God Almighty. I suggest that you find God if you haven't already and start praying. If you go through the steps in AA you will find God or what they like to call a higher power.

I call my higher power God.

I can't make any promises to you. I've seen it go both ways. I can tell you this, the most important decision that I ever made in my life was my decision to give up drinking.

I have many blessings and a happy family but I had to start from square one and turn my life around.

You can do this one day at a time. And don't do anything to create more waves between you and your wife. Abide by the restraining order And be kind to her always without any expectations from her. Even if she doesn't respond the way you would like her to.

This is a great app for finding meetings.

1 Like
#11

My ex locked me out of my house. Put my kids in a car and moved out of state. After that I was too poor to see my youngest grow up who was 11 at the time. Worst pain ever. Got sober and have stayed that way with AA. A lifesaver for me.

1 Like
#12

Matthan I had to rush back to work and after reading my previous text, I'm also awkward at writing text as well?:woozy_face:. Dude concentrate on you right now and find who you used to be and maybe she will see you've changed?

1 Like