Today is just one of those days. I’ve been having a really hard time. This is the worst depression I’ve experienced in my adult life. Because literally all of my trauma is coming to a head. And I don’t feel strong enough to handle it. I’m tired of being strong. I’ve had to be strong my whole f*cking life. Ever since I was a child. And I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. I’m just trying my best to ride it out. But if I’m being honest, I feel like giving up.
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Word.. I don’t know how you feel but I promise you I can’t relate. Broken Insanity is in the works and it’s for those of us that feel invisible but know you know more than your current life is showing you. I’m always here to chat and im new here too.. and have zero support so im always available. Chin up
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There are other things that hold us back. And require different people to help, support groups and such. You are in the right place.
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It’s at times like this that we forget where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. We forget all of the progress we made. We forget all the happiness and satisfaction we’ve experienced since getting sober. Our minds get stuck in this negative loop of despair. You have been thru this before, and you have gotten thru without drinking. It will pass. You have the power today to make a choice. Please don’t let this tricky disease trick you into drinking again. Keep reaching out. Go to a meeting. Make a gratitude list. Now is the time to use every tool you have learned. We believe in you. You already made the first step with this post. Keep making one good choice after another. You are worth it
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Don’t give up. You have been at this crossroads before. You know what happens if you go the route of relapse… it gets worse. We are here to help talk it through if you need to.
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I felt the same way months 3-6 at each interval - when highs were high, lows were lower. That's the beauty in recovery. It's a whole exercise, like school. You hit a chapter, and obviously, there's always homework (similar to what Soflo Lee mentioned). For me, not in this order, but I've learned clarity, solitude, vulnerability, etc, all by experiencing those periods of depression. I believe you're working AA, but have you considered something more one on one like therapy? - mainly to address the trauma?
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I do therapy weekly.
I’m very lucky to have finally found a therapist that I really connect with & trust.
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Thanks Tim. I know it’ll get worse if I drink again. I know all the things I’m feeling are normal, recovery isn’t linear, etc. I’m just having a hard time getting over this hump.
You’re very right. I’m definitely trying my best to use every d*mn tool in my box. I had a ride lined up for a meeting this morning, but she never got back to me, so that kind of sucked.
but I’m still trying.
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Don’t give up.
Your worth it!
I can relate. Stay strong!
Thank you for sharing this!! Rachel, you aren’t alone in this. Stop trying to be strong!! This only leads to stuff our emotions down. Cry!! Cry! Let them tears fall! Sleep!! Sleep is a great way way to heal. I just went through an 8 day cycle of depression and being super sick on top of it. I was thinking about suicide. Just wanted to end the suffering. What helped me was sleep And prayer and meditation. I did answer my phone when other Alcoholics called. Stayed in contact with the people in the program. I had to take some vitamin D supplement to help with my mood due to lack of sunlight.
Are you in a program? I can say that AA steps have saved my life and given me tools to use. I’m not depressed today. I’m actually feeling much better. Both from being sick and depressed. I have to work step 11 each day to the best of my ability. Daily reflection, prayer and meditation are key factors once we clean up our past mistakes/harms.
I pray for your healing. Ask your creator for guidance and the strength to keep going.
I feel your pain. I was in counseling 5 months before the counselor left the practice. I feel all opened up. I'm easily triggered by everyone and simple things, rude comments, judgments, dismissive behavior. I can't even be around my family anymore. I've been trying to get sober since May of last year but have just 55 days behind me. I hope you can find the healing you need in counseling. I've been looking for a new counselor and hope to find one soon.