Not my 1st rodeo. I'm scared and even have fear that even though I fell off the wagon,... AGAIN I will have to hear the words of disappointment come from ny family.
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Sounds like you were born with the self sabotage gene too. Welcome to the club. I know what failure, demoralization, and disappointment feel like. I know what it feels like to feel like a worthless piece 
. I know what it’s like to slam my head against the wall and yell at myself “how could I do this again”. This disease will take our souls if don’t take action. You can change your life. I’m sober about 3.5 years currently. My family is back in my life and I’m a positive in their lives. You can do it too. Get help. If you’ve gotten help before… go again! Keep coming back. If you are like me you need a daily recovery program. Just go. Just keep going
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Do it for you
Focus on yourself, you are worth it. We live in fear until we find peace. Do the steps and eventually you will get there. When you are ready it will come and only then.
Have you thought about why you fell off the wagon and how you can get back on and not fall off again and not worry about what people are going to say. Sounds like they don't understand what you're going through and how hard it is for you