I try everyday to be sober but fail. I feel like i need help but don’t want to tell anyone the extent of my struggle because of my job and all i have to lose. I waste so many days hungover though and am so happy and almost shocked at how good I feel when i finally wake up after drinking less or not drinking. It’s like I dont know whats wrong with me. 25 years have gone by of heavy drinking. It was fun for a while but now its a lonely thing I hide and keeps me from my sober friends, dating, exercise, so much. I cant have a break to recover though because of all my responsibilities.
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The Strength You Don't See
You don't always notice it, but you're stronger than you think.
It's in the way you wake up despite the exhaustion.
It's in the way you smile even when your heart aches.
It's in the way you keep showing up,
Even when the world gives you every reason to hide.
Strength isn't always loud.
It's not always about standing tall, Or moving mountains, or winning battles.
Sometimes, strength is soft.
Sometimes, it's just the decision to try again, To believe that better days are coming, Even when you can't see them yet.
So don't doubt yourself.
You have survived every hard day, every heartbreak, Every moment that felt impossible.
And you are still here.
Still standing.
Still fighting.
That is strength.
And it's already within you.
The PastLife
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Wow amazingly said keep trying understanding people care helps just remember to remind your that you matter today I love life I love learning and I am so grateful today 
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One day @ a time
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That's rough. We've all been there. Have you tried meetings and meeting other people that are in recovery? There's online meetings as well. I can give you the links to some meetings.
That's really good that you're putting yourself out there here and admitting that you have something that you want to change, and you want to better yourself. Feel free to talk to me anytime...
That poison sucks, I know the feeling as I have been a binger from time to time but now will stop. It just causes discomfort, and I know you can leave it behind.