So my sponsor has “suggested” I do 90 in 90 and take a break from apps and hooking up during that time. Fine. Not ideal, but I can power through that. Additionally I’m expected to not date for an entire year??
On one hand, I see the value in taking the time to really focus on myself and doing the work without distraction. But on the other hand, I just got out of a relationship and I feel like I need to be meeting people to keep my mind off of my ex, otherwise it could be a threat to my sobriety. I really want to adhere to what is suggested in the program as I have never done that in the past. This is just really tough for me. I was wondering what other people’s experience has been with this. Do people really go through with this?
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Some do, some don’t! I was told the same thing and I said heck with all that, so yeah definitely dating
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I have been trying this the last 4 mos and I don’t think it’s for me. I’m not a serial dater but not having someone who understands what this has been like is really hard. I guess it’s a way to learn how to be alone without self medicating but it is a tough way to do it.
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Yeah it sucks, but I have seen people go out over relationships more than anything else. I know for me I can't fix the pain with outside stuff...I've tried...and failed every time. God, the steps and AA
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Ultimately sobriety is your journey, but using a new relationship to distract isn’t healthy for you, or for the other person. Additionally, what happens if that relationship fails, how might that impact your sobriety? — Anything that is external is going to limit your ability to be sober for YOU.
Take the time to discover and develop you without alcohol - you owe it to yourself to create a life that you love living. It’s harder to do that when new romantic relationships are there too.
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Thing I heard at the beginning is they say to do it but who knows if it works because no one has ever done it. Now someone has but not me. I would say just try to be careful not to transfer addictions. Also don’t cause a bunch of harm that will weigh on your spirit and possibly require amends . I am speaking from experience here.
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No. Most people don't go through with that. 90 meetings in 90 days is unhealthy. My sponsor wanted me to go through that. I fired him. Of course, i can't speak to the relationship stuff. I'm married.
Your recovery has got to be #1 priority except God! Over relationships over work over EVERYTHING! keep the faith brother you got this!
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I did over 90 in many more days. I still try my best to go to a meeting everyday. Mostly on zoom. In person at least once a week or so. It’s to get into the habit of putting your recovery first. Consistency is important.
I can’t speak to the no relationship thing because I have trauma that has prevented me from even thinking about it or wanting it. I see the value in at least waiting a few months to focus on your new lifestyle.
I attend NA. It’s a bit different from AA.
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I'll tell you my story and then you can do what you want with it. I was in and out of relationships most of my life. That includes in and out of the program of AA.
I once shacked up with a woman that I met in AA. Against the advice of the people who had been in the program a while. We figured that our relationship was going to be the answer to all of our problems. They were six of the most miserable years of my life.
Back in 2003, when I had gotten sober, my sponsor encouraged me to stay out of relationships indefinitely. I was not excited about that advice at all. He asked me a lot of questions, and him and I both came to the conclusion that I really wasn't marketable at that time in my life.
I really didn't know anything about women. I didn't know anything about money. I didn't have my own house. My credit record was in bad shape. I had never been sober for any length of time in my life.
His advice was the best advice ever given to me. I kept on moving forward in my life and kept on learning about me. During this time, I started confronting all those issues that I just mentioned and started learning about things as a responsible man should.
I also discovered during that time that I was actually codependent. I had never really lived for any length of time on my own, paying my bills independent of anyone else.
Two years from now, you're going to be looking through a different set of glasses than you are right now. If you give time, time you'll understand what I was talking about.
Look at the beginning of your journey as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Figure out who you really are and what you really like. Explore what's out there and figure out where you really belong. Try new things. What kind of work would you like to be doing for the rest of your life?
A wise man builds his castle first and then seeks out a queen.
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In addition to my long reply above, I don't want to distract you from what's really important right now; Your recovery. But I also see nothing wrong with going to the nearest Regional Airport and talking with a flight instructor about going up for what's known as a discovery flight.
It will probably cost you about 150 bucks. You will learn how to do a PreFlight and you will start the plane up and taxi to the runway and fly around for about 30 minutes with you at the controls and a flight instructor in the other seat.
Doing something like this will show you that there really is a lot of excitement out there outside of relationships that were not ready for to begin with. Who knows? You might even find a new career.
They really need Pilots right now, and eventually, it's a great way to make a good buck and fly some pretty interesting airplanes.
Sobriety gives us freedom to make choices.
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Do what you’ve gotta do!! There’s no “one size fits all “ approach to sobriety. I can see their point. No dating for a year probably bc they want you to focus on you and your recovery. They told me the same thing. I didn’t do meetings and I dated, and I’m still sober and happy!!
That’s what they say, when I was in patient I did follow that rule but ofc I was in a women’s facility lol but after I got home I actually did take it super slow with dating and getting back into a relationship. I didn’t make it the entire year but even a few months of it really helped me..
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It came about naturally for me at about 17 months sobriety.
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It’s hard. But I believe it is worth it.
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I remember hearing no dating for a year when I first got sober, and thought it sounded intense also. Then, I met someone in extended treatment and thought it was such a great idea to start a relationship with another alcoholic getting sober with me. Initially, the support was helpful, but I quickly learned that I needed to focus on ME and MY HEALING, not on putting that attention into another person. I was very vocal about what I needed for my sobriety, and I took all the other suggestions BUT that one. We were together for over a year, and it was such a horrible relationship. I worked my program hard, and he worked no program. He ended up relapsing twice and cheating, I left, and the rest is history.
There is a reason this is a suggestion. Even though I didn’t want to be with my ex anymore, it did almost take me out, and I was a year plus sober by then. Us alcoholics need to do a lot of healing and self discovery before we can enter into another relationship. In fact, in my experience, I attracted the wrong kind of person because I was in such a different place when I first got sober. I truly wish I had taken that suggestion in hindsight. You need to decide which matters to you more - your sobriety or a distraction. Choose wisely my friend. Keep going!
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The only thing you have to realize is you are going to change. I didn’t listen to that advice and actually married the woman I was with when I got sober. I didn’t want to be alone. I always had woman in my life and I was very selfish in that regard because I didn’t care what I did to their emotional and mental well being. I was sober throughout my marriage and I still was a difficult person to be with but I thought because I was sober I deserved it. I am now divorced and because that marriage was mostly a long distance situation, I was alone for most of it and I focused on working on myself and being a great father. At five years sober I’m probably the best version of myself and I can actually contribute to a relationship now, not focus on what the other person is not giving me. I would have listened looking back on it now. I respect and love my ex-wife but I wasn’t ready and I did change. I think you just have to focus on your intentions. Learning to be alone has been a blessing, but we all have our own path in this thing. I am talking to a woman now, and we are moving slow and it feels good to be genuine and not hiding behind a bunch of lies as to my intentions. I actually listen to her and I am considerate of her feelings, not just with her because I’m scared to be alone. Pray on it 
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You can do what you want but you only suffer for the suggestions you don’t take.
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Try it out and if it doesn't feel right then don't do it. Be brutally honest with yourself right now about everything.
100% steer clear from dating or hooking up with anyone in your regular meetings. Don't sh*t where you eat my friend.
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Please take this with a grain of salt, or not, but you are already doing something which highlights WHY you shouldn’t date for 12 months. Your mind is consumed with “relationships” and the next date instead of focusing solely on YOURSELF. You’ve already made up an excuse as to why you should not wait. One year of your life is NOT a long time considering the potential gain of long term sobriety. Just my thoughts on this…
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