I’ve been beyond anxious about seeing my dad tomorrow for his birthday and I almost drank to take that dread away…but then my dad called me and asked if I was still going to see him tomorrow and when I said yes he sounded so beyond happy. It shattered me. I feel so guilty for not being around more. He said he would pick up pizza and cake which also broke my heart that he has to do that for his own birthday 
but I don’t have a job and zero money. I felt ashamed and then that made me wanna drink even more. Hearing my dads voice though did something. I know if I were to show up hungover and didn’t even eat that would have been the worst gift a daughter could give her father on his birthday. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I used to not care. Now I really care. Not only do I not want to see the sadness/anger on his face I want to become better so for next year I can spoil him! I will have a job! I will have money! I will have independence once again! I will…that’s my chant for the moment. I will. I’m crying while writing this it came out of no where. But I’m proud I want to be better and not staying in my selfish behavior and saying it’s his fault why I drank.
Have you gotten to any meetings yet? Some people can do this on their own. Most people can't. I think you're the latter. Please get to meetings and build a sober network. Internet friends can only help so much. Please.
Yes I’ve been to a few meetings already. Still building on finding more sober friends but I’m getting there.
Angelica, hearing your story reminds me of my story 100% . I drank for 5 years and was an everyday all day drinker, but to my parents i was hope , no matter how many times , through birthdays , Mother’s Days, fathers days , holidays i spent passed out in my room bc of drinking, or how many times they took my to the hospital bc of withdrawals , they didn’t see me as an alcoholic they saw me as their daughter, while i carried the shame and guilt for years , i empathaize with you so much , i know that feeling of hopelessness and you are RIGHT . You WILL be better and you WILL overcome this !