My five things today:
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I got a full night's sleep! That is so important to maintaining good mental and spiritual space.
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My new pain management doctor has me set up with a pain psychologist and I couldn't be happier!
I'll get to learn biofeedback and other techniques, for managing my chronic pain issues without medication.
*bonus- I can then teach other people how to do so! -
Music. Really, every day is music.
My soul is made of music
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I was able to be assertive with my needs and set boundaries with my eldest son, who tends to be emotionally abusive. But you live what you learn and he grew up with an abusive father and father figure. As his mother, I did my best, but again, you live what you learn until you learn better. I didn't know that I had any power as a human being. I wasn't raised to have opinions or feelings or any sense of identity as a person. My family of origin didn't allow for that. (And that looks different in different families and cultures, but I've just realized the running theme in this. Disempowered females.)
My son took it amazingly well. He is a very intelligent 30-year-old who had a sad upbringing. All three of my sons have huge hearts and I'm so proud that they do. I even got to explain that bashing someone with your emotions, even once, let alone over and over, is emotional abuse.
I am hoping to help him not further alienate the people he loves when they don't "meet his needs." Lots of growth is needed for all of us.
- I've begun a new and utterly vital part of my recovery.
I may not have as much clean time as I've experienced before, but the personal growth that I'm experiencing is amazing.
Self-compassion has been a practice that I've lacked the knowledge and ability to perform before now. It's still an ongoing process of learning and putting it into practice when my head screams at me that I'm excrement for all of the failings in my life, for the fact that I exist at all.
That sleep issue? The night that I couldn't sleep at all found my head in horribly dark, ugly places.
I'm not good at reaching out when my head is dark. I'm the person who reaches out to others when they are hurting. However, that night/early morning, I reached out to my birthday buddy, both of us have Valentine's Day birthdays, and didn't put on a false happy or a self-pitying "feel sorry for me so that I feel better" front.
I was just honest.
We talked, or rather texted. We're both skilled with words and expression and it is always good to be able to utilize the gifts we have.
He told me about a life-changing experience that he'd had. It was a game-changer for me, that night, and since.
Perspective is EVERYTHING.
He is a Columbine parent.
His daughter survived without injuries, thank all the gods that ever were and ever will be.
He didn't know that at first. None of the parents knew if their precious children were unscathed, or alive but injured horribly, or in the worst case scenario -gone.
None of those parents or children survived unscathed.
I'm not minimizing that horrible, horrible tragedy in any way. However, what I want to point out is that none of us, not one human on this earth, survives life unscathed.
Unscathed:
adjective-
without suffering any injury, damage, or harm.
"I came through all those perils unscathed"<<
We have all suffered. We've all been damaged, some of us far worse than others, admittedly.
The beauty and grace in all of this is how we take the pain and shape it into the nuanced, multifaceted beings that we have become.
My pain is no greater, nor no less, than yours -and vice versa.
It's up to me to choose what I do with my damage and pain.
Today I choose to like who I am. Today I choose to find the beauty in my spirit and pass it on to you.
Today... today, I choose to live in grace.
