3 weeks ago I woke up to find 3 voice messages on my phone. All of them from my step dad. The first was to tell me my mom was close to death, the second to cuss out my sister because she wasn’t there to help, the third he held up to my mom so I could hear her last breath….She didn’t die that night. She instead messaged me and told me I needed to be there. Not because she wanted to see me one last time, but because her “husband needed a break”. I went. I removed all emotion and immediately threw myself into the role of being her nurse. I witnessed her at a mere 50 pounds. Fed her until she couldn’t eat anymore, took care of her when she couldn’t respond anymore. I left my life to care for her. I left my sick husband, my terminally sick child, I fell behind in my graduate school program, I fell ill with covid of which I was unable to rest and recover—just put on a mask and continued my job…I did all of this so I could be there for her—not because she “needed her daughter” but because she needed someone —anyone— to relieve her husband from the responsibility. He was always her first priority. He was always more important. I watched her die slowly…stayed awake all night trying to save her…watched her take her last breath…I buried her last Saturday…I flew back home and have had no time for reprieve, no time for reflection…just threw myself back into my tile as wife, mom, student, farmer…well
I woke up on my kitchen floor today…can’t remember exactly how I got there…I drank—I know that…drank to numb myself…drank to forget the trauma of the last 2 weeks…drank because it felt better than anything else…now I’m not so sure…how do you move forward seeing what I saw, experiencing what I did? How do you begin to grieve for a mother that chose him over you and your sister? Who kicked you and your sister out at 17 because he didn’t want you around anymore? Who wanted you to see her like that and accused you of not giving a “hoot” because you didn’t cry? How do I forgive? To heal and get back to some semblance of normal? How do I stop seeing her corpse when I close my eyes? I don’t know…but I know at a gut level that drinking is not the answer…that I can’t give my life over to addiction..that I must find another way…
I was raised in a chaotic environment also. I read yourpost and identify with everything you said. I too had a mother that was abusive in this exact way. I found ACA it’s labeled adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional upbringing. It’s a very good program to find peace with trauma as a young person and beyond. It changed my life. I was sober for a couple years before I started and felt like there was a piece of me not healing. It was my childhood trauma that I carried into adulthood. It completely changed my life and has made my sobriety wayyy more fulfilling.
I recommend seeing a therapist or a grief counselor or even just journaling out your feelings day to day. The alcohol won’t change the situation it will only make it worse. You are not alone.
Back in May, I witnessed my own mom go through this with her own mom. My mom isn't a drinker though. My mom's mother(it's hard calling her grandma) was nothing but abusive in every way possible to her 10 children. My mom and her siblings experienced trauma that no child should at the hands of their mom. My mom and her siblings got away and never looked back. Over 30 plus went by and no contact. 9 years ago her mailman found her in a coma. She had brain damage and experience dementia like symptoms from diabetic coma. My mom's siblings didn't want to take power of attorney. My mom put her big girl panties on and stepped up and took power of attorney/guardianship of her. A woman that knew only evil in her heart and my mom did it. My mom visited her and built a new relationship with her everyday for almost 9 years. Where she gets her strength is beyond me. Back in May she was put in hospice and my mom was there everyday. My dad wasn't much support as she was very racist towards my dad. He's Native American. On they day that my mom's mom passed away, I got to be there with my mom. I held my momma has she cried over her deceased mom's body after we watched her take her last breath. It was a sense of healing for my mom. As her mom took her last breath, all the pain from the trauma was gone. She was healed and the pain left with her mom. Sorry for the long post, but maybe try looking at your situation in a different way. Find the happiness with the grief. It's there somewhere. Make peace within yourself. You got this!!!
Im so sorry you are going through this 🫂.
It was huge of you to do that for your mother you are a great person you deserve gratitude.
I hope you can get some self care soon honey Im so sorry 🫂
Soul Fire I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.
Give yourself some self compassion and grace. 
I can relate to a lot of what you posted so I want you to know that you are not alone. What you’ve been through is awful- I want to validate that for you- what you’ve experienced is heartbreaking. I also know from my own experience that, as someone with substance use disorder/alcoholism,without a doubt that drinking/using does the job of numbing for a split second, then we emerge to even more trauma, caused by our actions/lack of actions while drinking/using. I know that if I had contacted a professional organization for help when I 1st realized that I needed help, I could’ve been on my road to recovery and healing with less damage to my life. Call therapists, crisis help-lines, treatment centers, whatever it takes- call professionals until someone can help you-at least I wish that’s what someone would’ve told me instead of watching me spiral. Much much love to you!
Hey Soul Fire, my heart goes out to you. I really wish you heeling on this, and will keep you in my prayers. I have no idea how this must feel inside, but I know it must be tougher than tough. The only thing I can suggest is looking into the cycle of grief; that helped me when a friend passed a few years ago. I don't know how strong I would feel on your place, but it is obvious that you are strong. I wish you the absolute best in this time.
You’ll always get to look back on her final days and know that you were an exemplary daughter.
Word!
I lost 8 people in a few months last year and got sober to grieve. Martha Hickman's Daily Meditations on Grief and Loss helped a lot. Even helped with my core adoption issue.